Argus Hamilton Posted: Thursday, June 20, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oakland A’s fans demanded a new stadium Sunday after a major sewage spill chased the team out of their locker room. The rancid fumes seeped into the stands. The fans all agree it was a big mistake to sell the stadium naming rights to Royal Caribbean Cruises.
President Obama told PBS Tuesday he is satisfied that the NSA spying programs protect the privacy of U.S. citizens. The president insisted that the spy program is transparent because it’s overseen by a top-secret court. Dick Cheney was so proud he passed out cigars.
President Obama was ripped Monday for sending small arms to the Syrian rebels, too late to help. What can we do? It’d be nice if the U.S. had a reliable Arab leader installed by the CIA in the region to impose order on the situation but we invaded Iraq and hanged him.
President Obama flew to Germany to address the German people in Berlin. It might cheer him up. He’s been ripped by both U.S. parties lately for being an an authoritarian and a compulsive speech-maker so he might as well go where it’s traditionally appreciated.
Nazi Germany’s SS commander Michael Carcoc was discovered in Minnesota Sunday at the age of ninety-four. What a bittersweet story. The Nazis wanted to live in a world of blonde blue-eyed Germans but Michael Carcoc is the only one who made it to Minnesota.
Science Digest said immortality may be technologically feasible in forty years. They say your brain can be put in a robot after you die and keep functioning. It’s the only way Republicans can maintain America’s white majority and keep the Bush family in office.
The Congressional Democrats walloped the Congressional Republicans in the annual baseball game Saturday. It’s not a surprise at all. House Republicans will never win this ball game until they drop their requirement that congressional staffers must be U.S. citizens.
The U.S. Senate heard testimony Tuesday from the NSA general in charge of the NSA’s surveillance programs. They do help keep the peace. He pointed out that the NSA spying program thwarted fifty terrorist plots as well as millions of drunk e-mails to ex-girlfriends.
NSA whistleblower and fugitive Ed Snowden gave an online press conference for two hours Monday from somewhere in Hong Kong. We know where he is. The hum from the drones over Hong Kong is so loud that residents are starting to think the ciccadas arrived.
The Drug Enforcement Agency reminded the public that Monday is the forty-second anniversary of the War on Drugs. It wound up being a real esteem-builder. Until the U.S. declared War on Drugs, Mexico’s only victory worth talking about was the Alamo.
FBI agents searched under a house north of Detroit Monday when they got a tip that Jimmy Hoffa was buried there. Jimmy Hoffa was last seen on the house’s back patio, getting inside a Mafia hot tub. A Mafia hot tub is five feet wide and two thousand feet deep.
The FBI busted a Pakistani American who owned 7-Eleven stores on Long Island for using smuggled Pakistani illegals to work for him. The operation spread fast. The feds got suspicions when one of the Long Island Little League teams was sponsored by al-Qaeda.
Southern Baptists discussed ways to connect with today’s youth culture last week at their convention in a Houston hotel. It’s tough. One delegate asked the desk clerk if the porno channels were disabled, and the desk clerk assured him that they walk just fine.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.20.13 | 
