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Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.14.13

Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.14.13

Posted: Friday, June 14, 2013 7:00 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 06.14.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tim Tebow arrived at the Patriots camp amid fanfare, annoying players. Hundreds of reporters were in the locker room to watch everything they did and record everything they said. Reporters have given up fighting the government and starting working for it.
Barack Obama met off-the-record with reporters Tuesday to try to distance himself from the NSA, IRS, AP spying and Benghazi scandals. He’s remarkable. It takes quite a politican to hold this country’s attention when not one of your scandals has any sex in it.
The White House grew testy over Edward Snowden’s revelations about the NSA spying programs Tuesday as he hid out in Hong Kong. There’s no doubt the administration is angry about it. Last night President Obama’s bathroom faucet leaked and he threw it in jail.
Edward Snowden was tracked down where he was hiding in Hong Kong by the South China Post Tuesday. A white guy went to China to hide from the law. It’s the dumbest move by a fugitive since O.J. Simpson and A.C. Cowlings drove to Orange County to blend in.
The U.S. Senate heard testimony from the NSA Director Keith Alexander over the NSA secret data collection program. He said the NSA doesn’t use this information against President Obama’s political opponents. That’s the IRS’s job and they’re in a different union.
Man of Steel opens in movie theaters worldwide this weekend and stars Henry Cavill as Superman. The movie’s story is heavy with female empowerment. In order to even patrol Metropolis, Superman has to beg Lois Lane to marry him so he can become a citizen.
U.S. Senator Dean Heller of Nevada offered an amendment which would label Nevada as a Mexican border state. Illegal aliens don’t come directly to Nevada from Mexico. They come to the check-cashing line at Caesars Palace with their California disability check.
The Hollywood Reporter said Expendables producers are in talks with Mel Gibson to play the villain in their next movie. He’d play a fanatic with Nazi leanings. Mel Gibson has reached that comfortable stage of an actor’s career where he just plays himself.
China launched a spaceship with three astronauts aboard it Monday which will dock with China’s spacelab. The astronauts will telecast a view of the North American land mass to kids in school in China. They are being trained in debt collection and asset seizure.
President Obama’s job approval rating took a hit in the Gallup Poll Wednesday. Only 45 percent of Americans approve of the job he’s doing. That means 55 percent of Americans are going through the shoebox in the closet getting ready for an audit.
The Gallup Poll released Wednesday shows that former President Bush has a higher approval rating than President Obama. It’s amazing. Five years of President Obama has Americans yearning for the quieter and more united time of Year Three of the Iraq War.
The IRS cancelled the purchase of spy equipment Wednesday including cameras for office spying. The good news about all the surveillance is there is no obesity epidemic. It’s just that Americans are always in front of someone’s camera and it puts on 10 pounds.
Turkey was hit by protests against its prime minister Tuesday who’s been passing more conservative religious laws to mollify the mullahs. He’s trying to reach a compromise with the radical Muslims. He’s not allowing any public displays of affection or alcohol and yet he is allowing deli owners to execute anyone who orders corned beef on white bread.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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