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Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.13.13

Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.13.13

Posted: Thursday, June 13, 2013 7:00 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 06.13.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Man of Steel opens in movie theaters worldwide this weekend and stars Henry Cavill as Superman. To protect the world from attack, he flies above the earth using his X-ray vision and super-hearing. To keep the story up-to-date, Lex Luthor is an NSA whistleblower.
Sergio Garcia apologized to Tiger Woods at the U.S. Open for jokingly linking Tiger to fried chicken. It soothes the sponsors. The U.S. Open doesn’t want to be linked to racist jokes and KFC does not want to be linked with adulterers too dumb to erase text messages.
The New England Patriots surprised the football world Tuesday by signing Tim Tebow to join the team. He’s a good-natured teammate. Last year at the New York Jets team banquet, Tim Tebow ate an entire cake before the Jets told him there was a stripper inside it.
Pope Francis issued a statement in Rome Sunday stating it’s a sin for people to waste food. It’s a way for Americans to see themselves not as obese but as sinless. When O.J. Simpson ballooned to 280 pounds in prison it may have saved his soul.
CBS News says Hillary Clinton’s State Department security men partied with hookers while guarding Hillary overseas. It could set off a turf war. Congress is very upset with the State Department agents for procuring hookers, which is traditionally Congress’ role.
The NBA Finals between the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat split the first two games in Miami. It’s a great sport. President Obama loves playing in pick-up basketball games because not only is it terrific exercise, the whistle-blowers don’t get you impeached.
NSA programmer Edward Snowden fled to Hong Kong Friday after blowing the lid off NSA spying. His intelligence may be a bit over-rated. If you don’t want to be tracked down, don’t go to a country where there are a billion people and you’re the only white guy.
Edward Snowden left girlfriend Lindsay Mills in Honolulu when he fled Friday. She’s a ballerina who strips, pole dances and tap dances. In a competition of Hey, Look at Me, she was 10 runs ahead of Edward after eight innings before Edward rallied to win in the ninth.
NSA whistleblower Ed-ward Snowden said Monday the NSA Prism program can track your personal Internet activity. He said it allows any NSA agent to target anyone. Now that it’s public, you just know we’re a week away from new eyeglasses called Google Prism.
Edward Snowden said in Hong Kong Friday he quit the NSA because he doesn’t want to live in a country with no privacy, no Internet freedom or no liberty. So he moved to China. He’ll return, it may be as the softest sofa ever displayed at WalMart, but he’ll return.
IRS officials admitted the tax-exempt scrutiny squad searches for words like Patriot, Liberty and Tea Party in petitioner literature to trigger audits and delays. England can’t believe their good luck. If they’d scrutinized every pamphleteer who mentioned Liberty, Patriot and Tea Party 240 years ago, we’d still be their problem.
Sen. Chuck Schumer said if Immigration Reform passes that illegal immigration will be a thing of the past. It’s a contentious bill. Republicans want to put border security first, but they can’t think of a polite way to tell construction workers building a 2000-mile-long wall to stand on the south side of the wall while they’re building it.
NFL former star Chad Johnson was sentenced by an angry female judge to 30 days in jail Monday. He’d slapped his defense lawyer on the behind in jubilation when she first gave him a 30-day suspended sentence for committing spousal battery. It required three heavy-set bailiffs to keep the judge from spiking the gavel after she passed sentence.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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