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Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.11.13

Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.11.13

Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2013 7:00 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 06.11.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama met China’s president Xi Jingping in Palm Springs Friday. China has been stealing data from U.S. citizens and U.S. companies and U.S. media to gain the upper hand on them. President Obama just loves attending these continuing education seminars.
L.A. Dodgers rookie sensation Yasiel Puig hit a grand slam to upend the Atlanta Braves Thursday. His raw talent has captivated the city. In the locker room after Thursday’s grand slam, he heard from his parents in Cuba and from President Obama, in the same call.
House Democrat Elijah Cummings ripped the administration over IRS misconduct Friday. Other Democrats slammed the White House for allowing the NSA to listen to all phone calls. Even CNN admitted that President Bush’s fourth term is not going very well.
President Obama assured Americans Friday that the government wasn’t listening to their most intimate phone calls. Skype changed that. As Americans asked themselves back in the Fifties, why listen to the Jack Benny show when you can watch the Jack Benny show?
The Senate said all phone calls are recorded and stored in the NSA’s Data Center in rural Utah. It’s a Mormon enclave that believes in no alcohol, no tobacco, no caffeine, and no limit on wives. The White House is already blaming the snooping on President Romney.
USA Today reported Friday the NSA surveillance of Americans extends to all Internet activity as well. Mostly what people do on the web is watch porn, gamble, shop tax-free and pirate movies. If the governement paid attention to this data, we’re going to have to move the United States to Guantanamo and house all the criminals in the lower 48.
Toyota of Japan an-nounced the recall of 87,000 Prius hybrids due to faulty brakes on the car. It’s scary. Priuses switch from gas to electric once they get moving, but too many Priuses weren’t becoming electrified unto they hit the light pole.
Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport will rent out soundproof hotel rooms by the hour in the DFW terminal. The rooms cost $40 an hour or $100 a day. They’re just trying to get all the congressmen out of the stalls in the men’s room and into a different area.
Oil and Gas journal reported in May that oil refineries are doing a booming business with old oil fields reopening in Texas and Oklahoma. Shale drilling is thriving everywhere. The United States is so rich in fossil fuels that in Los Angeles, valets are parking electric cars in the alley where it doesn’t give a bad impression to the arriving customers.
Steven Seagal flew to Russia to sign an endorsement deal with Russian arms makers Friday to endorse Russian weapons of war in magazine ads and video presentations. It’s a natural pairing. They were both huge stars back in the Eighties, Steven Seagal and Russia.
Russian leader Vladimir Putin ended his 30-year marriage to Lyudmila due to his affair with 30-year-old Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva. Lyudmila could no longer handle her wifely duties. Once you pass 40 it’s tough to nail the triple full twist dismount.
National Doughnut Day was enjoyed Friday despite health warnings that doughnuts causes diabetes and diabetes causes erectile dysfunction. How awful. If doughnuts cause erectile dysfunction the Republic is at long-last safe because the South will never rise again.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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