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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, June 5, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jay Leno got the good news Monday that he clobbered the other late shows in ratings in May. His ratings soared since he turned conservative and began telling Obama jokes. Jay was not only class clown in high school but he was also voted Most Likely to Be Audited.
New York Mayor hopeful Anthony Weiner marched in Sunday’s Israel Day parade. He held a flag of Israel in one hand and a bullhorn in the other hand as he marched in full view of the public. The court order says he must keep both hands fully-engaged and unable to text.
President Obama addressed a White House conference on mental health Monday as he pressed for more treatment. Statistics say one in four people in America is mentally imbalanced. Think of your three closest friends and if they seem okay, then you’re the one.
House Republicans vowed to track the IRS scandal to the White House Monday. Now the comedy begins. Republicans could catch Obama in a hotel room with a gun in his hand, a dead intern on the floor and fifty million in Chinese gold and they’d still blow it.
John McCain sneaked into Syria to give the rebels a pep talk last week just as Syria’s regime got missiles from Russia and Iran. Americans are of one mind on Syria. We’re hoping for a peaceful transition to democracy, an end to the bloodshed and two-dollar gas.
Private Bradley Manning went on trial Monday for leaking top-secret U.S. documents to the WikiLeaks website. It’s drawn bipartisan fury. Joe Biden said WikiLeaks presents a danger to our national security and Dick Cheney said we should waterboard the Internet.
The NBA fined Indiana Pacers star Roy Hibbert seventy-five grand for anti-gay slurs Monday. It’s epidemic. It’s touching how when Indiana redneck bars began integrating years ago, everyone discovered to their pleasant surprise how much they have in common.
The IRS was found Monday to have spent fifty million dollars of taxpayer money on lavish conferences the last two years. The IRS said they paid for the conferences out of unused enforcement money. The Tea Party immediately demanded more IRS conferences.
IRS agents who target conservative groups told Congress they likely got their orders from D.C. New groups are calling for a flat tax and elimination of the IRS. They can get right to work because they registered with the IRS under the name Third Term for Obama.
President Obama will meet with China’s president Xi Jing Ping in Rancho Mirage this week and argue trade imbalance, currency fixing and computer hacking, The two are meeting at the estate of a rich white Republican. It’s their idea of a neutral meeting ground.
House Democrats said Sunday if Republicans don’t back the immigration bill the GOP will remain a minority party. It’s a tricky call. The GOP has a sure-fire program to turn illegal aliens into Republicans and keep ‘em there but First Tee is going to take a little time.
Al-Qaeda guerillas in Syria were reported Friday to have seized Syria’s oil fields and set up their own state. A year ago they were terrorists and suddenly they are oil men. They’re about a year away from altering Sharia law to allow their daughters to pledge Theta.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.5.13

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