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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, June 4, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Richard Pryor was profiled in a Showtime special Friday which details his rollicking life. He loved to welcome friends to his estate on Sundays and wave his gun around. You could never tell if he was going through cocaine withdrawal or if he just didn’t like cats.
Justin Bieber was seen smoking pot while riding his Segway in his neighborhood in Calabasas. He also drives his Ferrari at high speeds inside the gated community. Let’s hope and pray that al-Qaeda never thinks of mixing teenage superstars with ball bearings.
Los Angeles medical marijuana stores opened Friday after voters approved allowing one hundred thirty-five of them. Pot’s killed the crime rate. This town is so quiet at night that the only noise you hear in Los Angeles neighborhoods is whenever Guatemala scores.
Larry King signed a deal to host a political talk show interviewing American guests once a week that will air on a Russian cable TV network. He’d just retired after fifty years on the air. He decided to return to work after spending his retirement opening a jar.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee was won by thirteen-year-old Arvin Mahankali of New York. This is the NBA Finals for kids of Indian ancestry. Indian kids dominate the spelling bees because once they learn how to spell their names, everything else is easy.
Oklahoma was hit by a tornado in the Tulsa suburb of Broken Arrow Thursday just a week after a twister hit the suburb of Moore. It’s a delicate balancing act. God has to hit a few suburbs to make it look good, or he’s going to lose the trailer park crowd forever.
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg was targeted by a poison ricin letter on Thursday. The police sketch artsist was able to draw a composite of the suspect. It is an obese woman giving her baby bottled milk while drinking a thirty-two ounce Coke and smoking indoors.
President Obama drew praise for his nomination of James Comey as FBI Director. He was a Justice department manager, U.S. attorney for New York and recently a hedge fund manager. Some undercover work may pay you fifty million in bonuses but it has to be done.
President Obama met with the National Security Council after Russia sent Syria missiles Friday. He’s prepared for the worst. Everywhere President Obama goes, he’s followed by a general carrying a briefcase that contains the codes to the latest scandal explanations.
Attorney General Eric Holder met with Washington reporters and said he supported press freedom but he asked that it be kept off the record. It has to be hush-hush. If he stands up for any part of the Constitution he’ll have to find a job outside Washington D.C.
The U.S. Embassy in Cairo warned U.S. tourists in Egypt not to visit the Giza pyramids Friday. Angry street people have begun pounding on the cars of arriving Westerners. Americans will tolerate terrorists overrunning our embassies but we draw the line at car abuse.
Attorney General Eric Holder was asked by the president to investigate Eric Holder for spying on reporters. Now Eric Holder may have to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Eric Holder for lying to Congress about it. This is what Democrats have to do to get some national name recognition when President Obama is sucking up all the oxygen.
Burger King invented a hands-free burger-holder that lets you eat a Whopper while driving without holding the burger. It’s compatible with hands-free phones and hands-free voice command texting. Californians need to have their hands free until Google Glass can perfect an eye-activated gun mounted on the hood that’ll shoot the guy who just cut you off.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.4.13

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