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Argus 5.31.13

Argus 5.31.13

Posted: Friday, May 31, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Anthony Weiner asked New York voters Sunday to forgive him for his lewd texts to women he met online when he was in Congress. One of the women is a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get mixed up in such a sleazy business, the porn star had no answer.
Donald Trump commissioned a poll to see what questions the public has about him running for president. It’s simple. Americans don’t care about Donald Trump’s birth certificate, but they do want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccination shots.
J.C.Penney’s advertised a teapot on a billboard that accidentally looks like Hitler giving a Nazi salute. Even worse, the teapots have sold out. Chevy Volt just fastened a whisk broom over the front license plate and mounted the antenna at 140 degrees.
Michelle Obama attended a New York fundraiser which honored the first openly gay NBA player, Jason Collins. He came out last month. Reporters always looked up to him as an NBA role model for not fathering kids all over the country but now it makes more sense.
The Chicago Commod-ities Exchange saw coffee bean prices soar on news of a fungus that threatens this year’s harvest. It’s bad. Coffee is so expensive that U.S. border agents just caught a man trying to smuggle in five pounds of Folgers buried inside a ton of cocaine.
General Dentistry said Tuesday the citric acid in diet colas are as bad for your teeth as using amphetamines. However, it doesn’t give you the same euphoric rush of power and control. For that you need a degree in cosmetic dentistry and an office in Beverly Hills.
China was accused Friday of expanding its cyber-hacking into Western business and banking journals. It’s likely because the Chinese economy has begun showing signs of slowing down. Experts say it’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.
Attorney General Eric Holder was urged to resign Monday for spying on Fox News and then denying it to Congress. Certainly no one suspects Obama’s knowledge or complicity. Under this administration, a president just gives holiday speeches and grants knighthoods.
Wall Street investors celebrated Tuesday as the Dow Jones averages reached double what they were when Barack Obama took office. Speculators no longer denounce the president for his socialist leanings. They’re starting to wonder what a communist could do.
Nancy Pelosi issued a 79 page pamphlet of talking points Friday for House Democrats to follow as they explain ObamaCare coverage. It’s flaky. Out of habit, the talking points blame stab wounds treated in the emergency room on an anti-Muslim video.
President Obama was in Chicago Wednesday for a Democratic Party gala. It’s the city where he gets his spiritual advice. However the president’s séance with the late Mayor Daley was interrupted when Al Capone broke in to gripe about getting targeted by the IRS.
The IRS was sued in Washington, D.C., by 25 conservative groups for targeting them. The scrutiny went on for three years. Rush Limbaugh tried to draw tacklers away from the groups when he introduced his own brand of tea but the IRS didn’t go for the fake.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.31.13

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