Posted: Friday, May 24, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama flies to Oklahoma City Sunday to tour the tornado damage and talk with local survivors. It’ll really help. There are three tornadoes heading for the White House from Capitol Hill next week and Obama wants to find out which room he’ll be safest in.
President Obama said he didn’t hear about the IRS scandal until it came on the news Friday. He said he didn’t hear about the Justice Department scandal, and he didn’t hear about the Benghazi cover-up. Every 17 years, those ciccadas drown out everything.
Michelle Obama gave a commencement speech Sunday in Nashville. She said she could talk all afternoon about her husband’s failures. The president is in enough trouble with all the scandals, we don’t need to know that his heart isn’t healthy enough for Viagra.
Lindsay Lohan was reported Sunday making excellent progress at Betty Ford’s. The IRS audited Lindsay and seized all her bank accounts last year. No one knew until now that the Cocaine Party has been designated a conservative group and targeted for scrutiny.
Anthony Weiner and his wife Huma announced he’ll run for mayor of New York this fall. He resigned from Congress after he got caught sending lewd texts to women he’d met online. His wife spent the last four years studying under Hillary Clinton at Camp Lookaway.
Mel Gibson’s former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was interviewed by Howard Stern on his radio show Tuesday. She revealed she’s joined the J-Date website and is searching for a Jewish boyfriend. It’s probably against the law for her to kill Mel Gibson any other way.
O.J. Simpson said Monday his white supremacist cellmate helped him to plan his legal petition for a new trial. It all worked out. O.J. got to appear in court on national television and the white supremacist got to see a black man in chains, so it’s a win-win for everybody.
Sergio Garcia apologized Wednesday for saying he will invite Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open and serve fried chicken. They both have their supporters. Nothing brings the sport of golf up-to-date like a gang war between Hispanics and blacks in the grill room.
Los Angeles voters voted to limit the number of medical marijuana dispensaries in the city to 135 Tuesday. It was getting out of hand. Voters were getting tired of walking past a marijuana dispensary on the way to their own mailbox.
The House Oversight Committee announced Wednesday it will recall IRS official Lois Lerner to testify again after she pleaded the fifth. This’ll be good. She knows exactly how many of the members listed the cost of their mistresses on their tax returns under snacks.
The Justice Department was revealed Friday to have tapped five Fox News phones. In addition, a CBS reporter’s computer was bugged. We’re just a special prosecutor away from replacing our first black president with the first president from the Hair Club for Men.
The Pentagon suspended Gen. Bryan Roberts for committing adultery Tuesday. It is a military punishment completely apart from civilian statutes. Under U.S. military law, adultery is a felony, as opposed to the rules of the House and Senate, where it’s mandatory.
Jodi Arias asked the jury to spare her life Tuesday, saying she’s learned she can make a positive contribution to the world from prison. She does have huge entertainment value. If you think Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone had great swordfights in the old movies, wait till you see Sadie Hawkins Day at the prison when Jodi Arias asks O.J. Simpson to dance.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.24.13