Posted: Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Cannes Film Festival got off to a rollicking start in France Saturday when red carpet interviews were interrupted by gunfire from a man in the crowd with a starter pistol. It was chaos. Order was restored when France surrendered to the guy with the starter pistol.
A Depratment of Education survey said Thursday more and more schools are cutting gym classes. It’s to meet the new math and sciences class requirements. From now on, whenever America’s kids get fat and fall down, at least they will know the science behind it.
Brooklyn narcotics police arrested a Papa John’s pizza delivery man on Saturday for selling cocaine to his pizza customers on his rounds. He got cocky and gave himself away. The cops got suspicious when he was the only pizza delivery guy advertising on Instagram.
The Powerball Lottery winning numbers came up Saturday with six hundred million going to the winning ticket-holder. It’s easier to predict what the winner will be than it is who the winner will be. The Oxford Dictionary defines a lottery winner as a former Democrat.
Philadelphia Eagles lineman Evan Mathis posted a photo on Instagram that showed him relieving himself on an IRS building in the city’s old colonial district. It should be easy for the IRS to track him down. All they have to do is follow the yellow brick road.
President Obama met Burma’s newly-elect president Thein Sein at the White House Monday. Sein is overseeing Burma’s conversion from a police state with one-party rule and controlled press to an open democracy. We’re like two ships passing in the night.
Rush Limbaugh responded last week after President Obama told a Hollywood crowd that Rush was blocking his agenda. The radio host replied that Hollywood is home to tens of thousands of smug, self-important, pampered elitists. He sounds just like my butler.
The Justice Department was found Monday to have been tapping the cell phones and reading e-mails of Fox News reporters this past year. It’s damning. This proves that the White House knew the Benghazi attack was an al-Qaeda operation the minute it happened.
White House advisor Dan Pfeiffer said where Barack Obama was during the Benghazi attack is irrelevant. He flew to Vegas the day after the attack. Most husbands spend the night before they fly to Las Vegas doing house chores and hiding the Cialis in their wallets.
The IRS annouced Friday it’s hiring thousands of specialists to review everyone’s tax records to enforce ObamaCare. Buy stock in companies that make rubber gloves. The IRS is hiring so many proctologists that the immigration department can’t issue the high-tech visas fast enough to keep up with demand.
President Obama said Friday he had no idea the IRS was targeting conservatives last year. He can say nothing else. Barack Obama once starred in a student movie, and when the script called for him to admit to doing something wrong, they had to get a stunt double.
The CNN poll Monday said sixty percent of Americans said they believe Obama when he says he didn’t know the IRS was targeting conservatives That’s odd. It was the number-one topic in every foursome at every golf club in America, how could he not know about it?
North Korea test-fired four long-range missiles on Saturday and Sunday. They barely made it offshore. North Korea has fired so many missiles barely into the ocean that they’re starting to form a barrier reef that will protect the country from a Marine invasion.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.22.13