Argus 5.17.13

Argus 5.17.13

Posted: Friday, May 17, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Surgeon General advised Americans who will sunbathe on Memorial Day to use sunscreen on the beach or at the pool. She said to stay covered. When the White House heard that the Surgeon General was an expert on covering up, they put her in charge of the IRS.
Prince Harry threw out the first pitch at a Harlem Little League game Wed-nesday. He courageous, he’s popular and he knows how to pilot a helicopter through gunfire. In case of an impeachment, Harry is the perfect guy to fly President Obama back to Chicago.
O.J. Simpson testified he gave his last half-million dollars to his defense attorney four years ago who misrepresented him. His money was going fast. At the time, O.J. was down to his last endorsement deal, his margarine commercial for I Can’t Believe I’m Not Guilty.
South Carolina’s Mark Sanford was sworn into Congress this week. He won by telling voters the Bible says sinners should be forgiven 70 times seven times. Afterwards he was surrounded by members asking him if he would teach them how to use a calculator.
New Jersey police arrested two residents inside a senior citizen housing complex for running a prostitution ring out of their apartments Tuesday. They serviced the locals. Cops say it’s the first time they ever caught ladies of the night offering an early bird special.
The White House released emails showing how their Benghazi story evolved during the attack. There were no surprises. The emails started as a CIA report about al-Qaeda attacks before they were edited into a gold miner’s analysis of Mitt Romney’s colonoscopy.
The White House issued an explanation on Benghazi Wednesday that didn’t answer who made up the anti-Muslim video story. It never made sense. You’d think as much golf as President Obama has been playing, he’d be able to tell a good lie from a bad lie by now.
USA Today reported Wednesday that liberal groups got a pass from the IRS as the IRS targeted GOP conservative groups. Hollywood took note. It appears that Lindsay Lohan was going to jail for tax evasion til she shrewdly changed her name to Obama for America.
The IRS Commissioner resigned Wednesday in the scandal over the agency targeting conservatives. They asked Tea Party groups for donor lists, Facebook postings and radio show transcripts, under the penalty of perjury. It didn’t scare us in California, where the jails are full.
USA Today reported that a construction company in Belize accidentally destroyed a 1,000-year-old Mayan pyramid while dynamiting a hill in Central America Monday. The Mayans were cool about the accident, they said it was not like it’s the end of the world.
Russia expelled a young American man who was caught trying to recruit Russians to spy for the CIA in a Moscow park. He had two blonde wigs, sunglasses and a Boy Scout compass. When colleges banned hazing, fraternities had to devise more creative hell weeks.
The U.S. Navy launched an unmanned drone the size of a fighter jet from the carrier George H.W. Bush. It allows the U.S. to launch drone attacks without permission of host countries with a U.S. air base. George H.W. Bush gave permission for the pilotless craft to take off from his carrier after being assured that pilotless didn’t mean that his son was flying it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.17.13

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