Argus 5.10.13

Posted: Friday, May 10, 2013 7:00 pm

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lindsay Lohan complied with her probation conditions and checked herself into the Betty Ford Center on Tuesday. There’s no questioning her talent. Someday Lindsay Lohan is going to be holding an Oscar, unless Meryl Streep installs a home security system.
The White House was blasted for inaction during the Benghazi attack Wednesday in House hearings. The terrorists overran the consulate then they overran the annex. So it does support Barack Obama’s claim during the campaign that he’s got al-Qaeda on the run.
Hillary Clinton will be awarded the Helen Keller Humanitarian Award at a New York dinner. It’s funny. Some organizations might denounce Hillary for turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the Benghazi attacks, but the Helen Keller Foundation honored her for it.
The Bill and Hillary Clinton Airport opened on Monday in Little Rock. They’ve done so much. When Bill and Hillary took over Arkansas 35 years ago the state was a national hillbilly joke and with tireless effort they upgraded it to an international sex joke.
Wall Street celebrated Tuesday as the Dow Jones finished over the 15,000 mark. It looks like free enterprise will thrive after all. President Obama has just passed Joseph P. Kennedy and John D. Rockefeller as the most incompetent socialist in U.S. history.
President Obama demanded proof that Syria’s government sanctioned the use of chemical weapons on their people. The world saw video of watery-eyed people choking and staggering into the hospital. Al-Jazeera didn’t miss one minute of Colorado’s first weekend of legalized pot.
Mayor Mike Bloomberg said New York will have total Wi-Fi coverage throughout the city by July. It’s about equality. Unless everybody in New York is staring into their palms and texting while jaywalking, some neighborhoods will have a longer lifespan than others.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick was kicked out of a Hollywood nightclub after police were called in to restore order. It was bad for business. The cops stood at the door and ordered Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son to come outside and the nightclub half-emptied.
Mark Sanford was ordered to appear in court for violating his ex-wife’s restraining order. She was out of town and he entered their house to watch the Super Bowl with his son. He ran for Congress just to prove to the judge that he could enter the House legally.
South Carolina voters elected Republican Mark Sanford to Congress despite his sex scandal four years ago. His election was a valuable blueprint. After years of political research it turns out the best way for a Republican to court Hispanics is to leave your wife for them.
The Air Force announced Monday that its chief officer in charge of enforcing sexual assault laws was arrested for groping a woman. The military is in big trouble. It’s only a matter of time before feminist lawyers get war declared as a hostile work environment.
BMW air bags were found to open so violently they could spew the igniter hardware into the driver like shrapnel. The airbags were made in Japan. The Germans and the Japanese can’t even collaborate on the same dashboard without shrapnel being involved.
The Social Security Administration reported Friday 11 million Americans collect disability. What’s happened to this country? Sixty years ago the most popular ride at the amusement park was bumper cars, and now it’s the most popular ride at the grocery store.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.10.13