Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Reese Witherspoon apologized Friday after a video aired of her ranting at cops while they arrested her husband for DUI in a rented Ford Focus in Georgia. That’s fine for the real folks. Now she has to return to Los Angeles and explain why they were in a Ford Focus.
Martha Stewart admitted on the Today Show Friday she has joined an online dating site looking for a lover. It won’t take her long. Martha Stewart wrote on her profile form that she likes romance, red wine, long walks on the beach and insider trading information.
Sprint Cup journeyman Dave Ragan passed Carl Edwards on the final lap Sunday and won his first race at the Talledega Superspeedway. History was made twice that day. It is also the first time in the history of Sprint Cup competitions that a race featured a gay car.
Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote a tell-all book detailing his longtime adulterous affair with his Los Angeles housekeeper and he’s called it Total Recall. It gets worse. The maid responded by writing a book about the affair and she’s called it Alien versus Predator.
Mad Men’s Christina Kendricks did an ad for Johnny Walker scotch during the show’s telecast Sunday. It’s a drama about the debauchery in an ad agency in the Sixties. It’s the only liquor ad on TV with a tag line that urges you to remember to drink irresponsibly.
Robert Downey Jr.’s third turn as Iron Man was a smash hit Sunday with five hundred million at the box office. What a story. Robert Downey got sober once and for all ten years ago and today he’s the biggest movie star in the world, but Lindsay Lohan still wants proof.
Congress hears testimony today that Hillary Clinton bypassed her State Department terror experts during the Benghazi attack on purpose. Some accuse her of misconduct and dissembling just to protect the president’s popularity. It’s like she’s still the First Lady.
GOP Senator Saxbe Chambliss of Georgia shot a hole-in-one playing with President Obama Monday. It put the Republican conservative in a tricky spot. Just to admit he had a pleasant experience with President Obama could end his political career in Georgia.
Ohio State University presented President Obama an honorary doctorate on Sunday when he spoke at their graduation ceremony. His is a singular life. Barack Obama is already America’s first black president, now he’s the only doctor in favor of ObamaCare.
President Obama praised the virtues of government Sunday in his commencement speech to Ohio State grads. He was preaching to the choir. This spring three juniors on the football team skipped their final year of eligibility to go straight to unemployment.
The Labor Department reported that the unemployment rate of people looking for work dropped to seven and a half percent. That’s good news. President Obama called it a step in the right direction and he encouraged more Americans to give up looking for work.
The Weather Channel reported record-breaking cold weather across the South with snow in Arkansas in May for the first time in history. There were autumn brushfires in California. It was so hot in Los Angeles Friday Lindsay Lohan checked into a Popsicle truck.
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre gave the keynote speech Saturday to the NRA Convention’s five thousand delegates at a Houston hotel ballroom. You can imagine how long it took for everyone to get their hotel room keys from the front desk. This crowd hates to register.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger  5.8.13

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