Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 5.3.13

Posted: Friday, May 3, 2013 7:00 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 05.03.13

LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NBA’s Jason Collins came out as gay Monday and then it surfaced he’d been engaged to a beautiful blonde woman for eight years. She told reporters she never had a clue he was gay. Tom Hanks immediately conceded the Tony Award for Best Actor to Jason Collins.
Willie Nelson celebrated his eightieth birthday Tuesday surrounded by friends and band members on his tour bus on the road. He looks great. Willie Nelson is in perfect health and he is really upset about it because he cannot get a marijuana card in California.
President Obama said Tuesday he’s going to try to close down Guantanamo prison in Cuba. He admitted he’s not sure how. The best idea is to declare Gitmo a small business and require it to comply with ObamaCare, and in six months it will be a Goodwill Thrift Shop.
President Obama is jetting to Mexico Friday to discuss progress on the immigration reform bill. There’s been no progress. Under the immigration reform bill, any illegal immigrant who’s been in the U.S. for less than two years will be right back with your entree.
Mexico’s government said Tuesday it will ask President Obama for more legal jobs for Mexicans going to America and fewer deportations. They have a willing partner. President Obama is in Mexico to celebrate his favorite annual holiday, Sinko de Economy.
Amsterdam celebrated Tuesday as Queen Beatrix abdicated from the throne so that her son Willem might be crowned King of the Netherlands. The ruling Dutch dynasty is immensely popular. It’s an easy country to govern because there are no laws to enforce.
The FBI nailed a Mississippi karate teacher for mailing ricin to President Obama and framing an Elvis impersonator. Obama may invoke his Syria Doctrine. It holds that it’s okay to prosecute someone for using chemical weapons as long as no one is killed by them.
The FDA ruled Wednes-day the morning-after birth control pill will be available over-the-counter to women age fifteen or older. It’s hugely popular. Another drug company is trying to invent a morning-after pill for men, it changes your DNA and your phone number.
Boston cops arrested two illegal aliens from Kazakhstan for helping the Tsarnaevs cover up after the bombing. The bombing may have been a rogue operation but the cover-up calls for a massive U.S. military retaliation. For crying out loud, Kazakhstan has oil.
The Pentagon agreed to a meeting requested by anti-Christian Mike Weinstein about proselytizing. He urged the Army to court-martial any soldier who mentions Jesus Christ. As a child who grew up in the Midwest he was a Lions fan, especially after he saw The Robe.
The White House said it won’t silence any Benghazi attack victims from testifying in Congress. They were attacked by al-Qaeda and the White House called it a spontaneous protest against an anti-Muslim film. We all kidded George W. Bush’s inability to pronounce nuclear, but every time Barack Obama tries to say Islamic radicals he pronounces it NRA.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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