Annie 5.1.13

Posted: Wednesday, May 1, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Atlanta Hawks center Jason Collins made societal history Monday, becoming the first pro athlete to come out of the closet and admit he’s gay. Within the hour, the Hawks gave their entertaining, fast-breaking offense a new nickname. They’re calling it Showtune. NBA player Jason Collins admitted he’s gay in Sports Illustrated. The reaction was no surprise. Democrats said it’s the biggest step in human progress since Jackie Robinson admitted that he’s black, and Pat Robertson blamed the Midwest flooding on Jason Collins. Michael Jackson’s mother sued AEG Monday for hiring Dr. Conrad Murray to monitor his drug intake. The coroner found Valium, Xanax, Dilaudid, Percoset, Demeraol and Propofol in his body. Michael Jackson was the first guy in history who descended to heaven. The Grand Ole Opry will hold the funeral for country music star and drinking legend George Jones today in Nashville. It was decided to bury him in a local cemetery. If they had cremated his ashes it would have taken oil well firefighters three weeks to put him out. President Obama was hilarious at the Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday. He kidded about being a socialist, a narcissist and being born outside the U.S. He’s getting it all out there so when Bob Woodward releases his next book the president can say it’s all old news. The NBA ownership committee recommended Monday that the Sacramento Kings remain in California’s capital city and not move to Seattle. Why shouldn’t the Kings stay in Sacramento? It’s not like there are any Republicans there to threaten the monarchy. President Obama telephoned Vladimir Putin Monday to thank him for Russia’s help identifying the Boston bombers Djhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev. They don’t take chances on security in Russia. Russian records on the Chechens go back to their sonograms. South Carolina’s Mark Sanford is running against Stephen Colbert’s sister for a vacant House seat. It pits an adulterous Republican versus a liberal Democrat. This is the first time since the Falkland Island referendum that Queen Elizabeth could win a write-in vote. The Rayburn House Office Building was cleared out after a member received a letter full of white powder Monday. It wasn’t ricin or anthrax. At Colombia’s next Rotary Club meeting, they’re going to agree on packaging standards so that these mistakes don’t happen. The Supreme Court nullified Alabama laws which crack down on illegal immigration Monday. It’s good for funding. When you add Mexican drug gangs to a state that’s part Ku Klux Klan and part Black Panther, Alabama may be reclassified a Los Angeles High School. California lawmakers proposed a bill to allow illegal aliens to serve on juries. This is dangerous in the warm weather months. With 12 lawns going uncut at the same time, fire marshals could interrupt trials and order the jury to get back to cutting the grass. The GAO issued a report Monday saying President Obama spent twice as much time playing golf and vacationing as he did attending meetings on the economy. There’s been some improvement. The economy is stalled but the president is regularly breaking 80. Greg Norman urged the PGA to begin blood-testing golfers for deer-antler spray that builds muscle against the rules. The players are always looking fo a competitive edge. The first golfer to grow antlers may get a huge endorsement deal from Hartford Insurance. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.1.13