Posted: Thursday, April 25, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Reese Witherspoon and her Hollywood agent husband got pulled out of a Ford Focus in Georgia and arrested for DUI and disorderly conduct. It’s awful. The recession is so bad that Hollywood royalty is renting Ford Focuses when they’re sure no one will see them.
George W. Bush said Tuesday that he has been inspired by Winston Churchill to take up painting. There’s a lesson here. George W. Bush quit drinking and invaded Iraq, while Churchill quit Iraq and kept drinking, and guess which one became the Man of the Century.
Fox News reported a surge in illegal immigrants pouring across the Mexican border in anticipation of amnesty. It’s just in time for spring landscaping. Homeowners driving to Home Depot to hire day laborers are urged to come early for the first-round draft picks.
The AP was hit by a hacker Tuesday who tweeted under the AP byline that the White House had been bombed. It was obviously a hoax. Under the the new AP stylebook, reporters are not allowed to use the word bomb, they have to say undocumented boom box.
The New York Stock Exchange fell briefly Tuesday on false AP reports that the White House had been bombed and President Obama hurt. Everyone thinks the death of a true liberal will make the stock market go up. Michelle was so angry she made him sleep on the couch.
Elvis impersonator Kevin Curtis was released Tuesday after being suspected of mailing ricin to the president. We don’t know for sure if he’s innocent. While the FBI was interrogating him he converted to Islam, so they had to put down the bucket and let him go.
The House passed a bill requiring employees to divulge their Facebook passwords to their bosses. It won’t fly. Women would have to explain that those topless pictures of them giving a Nazi salute were just taken at one of Prince Harry’s parties in a light moment.
Bill and Hillary Clinton will be in Arkansas next week for the dedication of the Bill and Hillary Clinton Airport in Little Rock. It’s a tribute to both their careers. Half of the airport is a mile-high club and half of the airport is a coin-operated money laundry.
The White House insisted Monday that Djhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev were not directed by foreign terrorists. So they were just typical American kids. A minute after Tamerlan’s wife got news of Friday’s shoot-out, she updated her Facebook status to Single.
Djhokhar Tsarnaev admitted to FBI investigators Monday that he was motivated by his religious upbringing to set off two bombs at the Boston Marathon. He tried to blame it on his religion. No one knew until now that Islam expressly forbids runner’s high.
Canadian Mounties foiled an al-Qaeda plot to blow up a passenger train traveling to Toronto from New York. Everyone shuddered. Trains are so susceptible to terrorist attack that we’re allowing knives on airplanes just to try to lure al-Qaeda back to the airports.
The Airline Pilots Association sued the FAA for furloughing the air traffic controllers this week, causing major flight delays. The president doesn’t realize that the voters will blame him for this and not Congress. Ever since President Obama missed all those free throws on television at the White House Egg Roll he’s decided to take everybody with him.
New York raised the minimum age for buying cigarettes to twenty-one on Tuesday at the behest of Mayor Bloomberg. He’s attacked happy hours, baby formula, cigarettes, fast food and big beverages. He’s determined to make New York a healthy, fit and sober place to raise a family, not realizing that it’s against the city’s four-hundred-year-old charter.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.25.13