Posted: Wednesday, April 24, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Reese Witherspoon was arrested by Atlanta police for drunk and disorderly conduct Sunday. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. Within minutes Fox News reported on her ties to radical Islamists and CNN identified Reese Witherspoon as a dark-skinned man.
Oblivion topped the box office last week starring Tom Cruise in the futuristic science fiction thriller. He plays an intergalactic warrior who battles evil aliens. The movie’s profits are completely tax-free as long as Scientology continues to be recognized as a church.
Elvis Presley’s stage manager will auction the TV set Elvis shot when he walked into his dressing room and saw Robert Goulet on the Tonight Show. What an item. With today’s ammunition shortage, whoever digs the bullets out of that TV will make a fortune.
George W. Bush will host his father George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama at the dedication of his presidential library at SMU in Dallas Thursday. Imagine the five living presidents side-by-side together. If they were cards, you would fold.
CBS reported record-high ratings for last week’s Masters from the Augusta National Golf Club. The audience complaints seemed unreasonable. Viewers whined about the record number of TV commercials without considering there’s now a women’s clubhouse to build.
Al Michaels was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica Sunday after he made an illegal u-turn. The sportscaster knows he drinks too much and he’s been trying to do something about it. Al Michaels loves Scotch and soda, and he’s completely given up soda.
L.A. officials accused Las Vegas hospitals of discharging mental patients at bus stations and sending them to California. Forget it. No one in L.A. wants to judge if the people getting off the Greyhound buses were mentally ill or just trying to get into show business.
Boston bomber Djhokhar Tsarnaev was discovered in a backyard boat by the owner Friday. The guy’s wife had ordered him to go outside to smoke. It’s the first time since World War II that tobacco companies have been able to credibly argue that smoking saves lives.
Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was taken by ambulance to Beth-Israel hospital in Boston after his discovery. He’s a Muslim terrorist who’s recovering in a Jewish hospital. The Jewish people have survived for five thousand years but no one can figure out how.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev wrote out answers to FBI questions in longhand Monday since he can’t speak. It required custom accommodations. They had to get a special hospital bed that tilted backwards and down so they could waterboard him without unplugging his life support.
Russian intel confirmed Monday it warned the FBI several years ago that Tamerlan Tsarnaev was a Chechen-trained terrorist. It’s not like the information wasn’t used. The TSA was put on alert to watch for women who might have a Chechen concealed in their bra.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.24.13