Posted: Friday, April 19, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sen. Roger Wicker was mailed poison ricin powder addressed to him at his office in Washington Tuesday. Other senators received ricin-laced letters. Terrorists use the U.S. mail whenever they want to kill someone but are not that concerned about how quickly.
Forbes says 10 percent of U.S. doctors will practice concierge medicine when ObamaCare kicks in. That’s a fee per visit. No one wants to say socialized medicine dulls your skills, but British doctors pronounced Margaret Thatcher’s condition today as satisfactory.
Lady Margaret Thatcher was eulogized at at St. Paul’s Cathedral on Wednesday. The Baroness was the classic Englishwoman and a Tory Methodist to the bone. She died suddenly only weeks after a guy from Argentina was elected pope, if you suspect foul play.
The FBI sent a bomb squad to the Senate Office Building Wednesday as additional U.S. senators received threats. It’s epidemic. The White House said President Obama received a suspicious letter which was written entirely in Arabic, so they decided it was nothing to worry about.
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer jumped the gun Wednesday reporting that the Boston bomber had been arrested. Ten minutes later the network had to announce that the report wasn’t true. CNN is now walking back its story that Boston is a small island off the coast of Kansas.
The U.S. Senate heard a bill that lets illegal aliens stay in the U.S. if they pay back taxes and pass a criminal check and have a good job. It could be a dealbreaker. Democrats are never going to vote for an immigration bill that only allows Republicans into the country.
Sen. Marco Rubio offered a bill Tuesday that would give provisional illegal aliens free satellite phones that are equipped with GPS. It’s nuts. How do you call it freedom if your government, your wife and your girlfriend know exactly where you are at all times?
Warner Brothers released a trailer on Tuesday for the Man of Steel starring Henry Cavill as Superman. It’s been updated. The old Superman got weaker around kryptonite and today’s Superman gets insufferably self-righteous in the presence of hybrid vehicles.
Gwyneth Paltrow was voted most hated celebrity in a Star poll Monday. She’s always promoting her healthy lifestyle. Hitler was a vegetarian and didn’t drink, but he knew not to brag about it in infomercials or the world would’ve stopped him at Czechoslovakia.
Anthony Weiner was pleased to see himself running second in the New York mayor’s race in Tuesday’s poll. He hasn’t declared yet and he’s surging. Ever since Mayor Giuliani ran all the hookers out of Times Square New Yorkers have been craving adult entertainment.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer said she will enter a drug and alcohol rehab in two weeks as the court ordered on Wednesday. These rehabs work miracles in people. They take cocaine addicts and alcoholics and in 28 days turn them into sex maniacs and overeaters.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un threatened to attack South Korea without warning for its insulting protest marches against North Korea in Seoul. It’s so juvenile. If Kim Jung Un keeps misbehaving he’ll be sent to bed without his and 200 other people’s supper.
National Public Radio got hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army Tuesday while NPR was on the air. You had to be there. An English-speaking Syrian broke onto NPR telling everyone how to live their lives and condemning Israel, and nobody noticed the difference.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.19.13