Argus Hamilton Posted: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jay-Z released a rap song ripping President Obama for not backing him up on his trip to Cuba Friday. He’d just been at the White House. President Obama is a big fan of hip hop music, in fact he’s the first president to have his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficits.
Los Angeles traffic officials added toll lanes to major freeways to keep traffic moving Friday. Traffic engineers also invented a high-tech solution that will get automobiles moving on city streets. They devised an app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Adam Scott became the first Australian to win the Masters Sunday, setting off parties in Sydney. Aussies are a jaunty breed. If you tell an Australian customs officer that you have a past criminal record, when you arrive he offers you their pathway to citizenship.
The White House admitted last week that ObamaCare will be more expensive than originally projected. Also, patients won’t be given much time for their medical examination. If you want a second opinion the doctor goes out the door and comes in again.
Senator Marco Rubio proposed a tough immigration reform plan Sunday that would deny ObamaCare and welfare to illegal immigrants, assess back taxes, and upgrade border security. Anyone in Florida will tell you it’s a tough plan. He’s deporting his parents.
U.S. senators proposed various pathways to citizenship for illegal aliens Sunday. They all want the American dream. In this country, with a little hard work, a little luck and scrupulous bookkeeping, anybody can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
John Kerry stopped off in Tokyo over the weekend to assure Japan of U.S. support against Kim Jung Un’s latest threats. The U.S. and Japan agreed that North Korea should be free of nuclear bombs. Japan also hinted they wouldn’t hate it if the U.S. didn’t have them either.
President Obama’s tax return showed he only paid eighteen percent of his income in taxes Monday. He made only half the money he made last year and only a third of what he earned the year before that. You can’t make it up, even Obama is doing badly under Obama.
Silence of the Lambs villain Dr. Hannibal Lector reappeared in last week’s debut of Hannibal on NBC. It’s a prequel about the cannibal mass murderer’s early life when he helped cops track down serial murderers. It’s a hit–after all, cooking shows are all the rage.
The Eighties narrated by Rob Lowe was a ratings hit for National Geographic Sunday about that hard-partying decade. The Hollywood stars which the show interviews from that era look the same now as they did thirty years ago. It’s part of their deal with the Devil.
Joe Biden declared Friday that holding a gun feels like driving a Ferrari and likened gun rights activists to the black helicopter crowd. Eyes rolled. By now it’s no secret that Joe Biden’s golf bag isn’t carrying a full set of irons.
Bill O’Reilly’s publisher printed two million copies of his soon-to-be-released book Killing Jesus about the last week of Christ’s life. He’s had two huge bestsellers in Killing Kennedy and Killing Lincoln. Twenty bucks says he pays his masseuse fifty bucks extra for a tragic ending.
Tiger Woods lost the Masters by four shots Sunday after being penalized four shots on one hole Saturday. He laid up short on the par five 13th, then hit a perfect pitch shot that bounced off the flag into water, then he accidentally misplaced the free drop by two club lengths. The lesson is, God didn’t give Tiger that swing to watch him play it safe on the par fives.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.17.13 | 
