10 reasons not to spring clean

Posted: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 8:00 pm
By: By Lisa Smartt

Warning! Warning! It’s April. Magazines and books are trying to convince you to invest your time spring cleaning. But don’t fall prey to their wicked schemes. Come join the rally! Help me spread the word about all the great reasons NOT to do any spring cleaning this year. Here are my Top Ten Reasons NOT to Spring Clean:
No. 10. Do you really want to know what’s in the guest room closet? (I didn’t think so.)
No. 9. Spider webs offer opportunities for your children to learn the wonders of science, insect behavior and the circle of life. (Would you DENY your children a valuable education just so the neighbors won’t talk? Shame on you.)
No. 8. It’s a waste of time to clean out behind the refrigerator. (If you get a sudden urge to pull out the refrigerator and see what’s back there, stop! Stop, I tell you! I can tell you EXACTLY what’s back there and it will save you the investigation. Two dusty Christmas pictures, four crayons, a dried up piece of bologna, the birthday card you forgot to send your sister-in-law, two blue hamburger buns and the October ’03 telephone bill. You’re welcome.)
No. 7. Dusty rugs and furniture cause your allergies to act up and when your allergies act up, you visit a local physician, which helps the local medical community make a living. (Spring cleaning is bad for local business.)
No. 6. No one looks at baseboards. (People who visit your house and DO look at baseboards should be escorted to the nearest therapist who will help them find a life.)
No. 5. There’s no reason to clean out behind the washer/dryer when you know exactly what’s back there. (Behind every washer/dryer are the following: one quarter, three nickels, seven pennies, one white sock, a few unmentionables, two wrinkled baseball cards, and enough lint to make an overstuffed couch. Leave it alone. Just walk away.)
No. 4. Washing windows is morally wrong. (It just is. Trust me on this one.)
No. 3. If you’re planning on cleaning underneath the beds, you might as well just rent a horror movie and seat your small kids in front of the TV. (Think about it. Do you want your kids to dream about six foot dust bunnies suffocating them while they sleep peacefully wrapped in their Spiderman comforter? Of course not. You’re a bigger person than that.)
No. 2. The garage. Who said you have to be able to park your car in the garage? (Where’s the “Homeowner’s RULE book” which says every garage must contain a car? The magazines, Christmas wreaths, rusty tools and craft projects “gone wrong” are all perfectly content filling up space in the garage. If you remove some of them or rearrange them … it will upset the delicate balance of nature. You’re not an anti-environmentalist, are you?)
No. 1. Some people believe spring is the time to wash curtains and clean out the kitchen cabinets. (No. A thousand times no. Washing curtains wastes valuable water resources. Opening the kitchen cabinets will create a massive avalanche of empty Cool Whip containers, old hot cocoa packets and plastic Walmart bags. Turn back, Brave Warrior. Turn back.)
It’s time for the Anti-Spring Cleaning movement to sweep the country. Help me spread the word! And if you find yourself experiencing a sudden urge to wash windows, turn on the Andy Griffith marathon instead. That’s a clean experience the whole family can enjoy!
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For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her website, lisasmartt.com. She may be contacted at lisa@lisasmartt.com.

Published in The Messenger 4.17.13

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