Argus 4.12.13

Argus 4.12.13

Posted: Friday, April 12, 2013 1:31 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un was reported set to conduct another missile test today. There’s just no end to his demands. Last night, Kim Jung Un demanded to have a telephone conversation with President Obama and then he demanded telephone service.
The IRS hired more agents to collect all they can from taxpayers today. The tax form raises questions. When L.A. residents get to the question asking if you are a farmer, they want to know if the IRS and DEA share information or if it’s more like the FBI and the CIA.
The New England Journal of Medicine published a study saying that staring at busty women is good for a man’s health. It lowers blood presure and increases circulation. It’s good for your health unless you’re in a state where your wife has a concealed carry permit.
Louisville coach Rick Pittino made it to the Hall of Fame Tuesday four years after he was caught in a sex scandal that originated in an Italian restaurant. He lost control and made love with his date on the table. Wouldn’t you know, his date got stuck with the check.
The New York Post reported Thursday that disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner may run for New York mayor. His attitude is one of defiance. It’s in response to Mayor Bloomberg’s new ordinance that you can’t text anything longer than three inches.
Jackie Robinson is memorialized in the new movie “Forty-Two,” about how he integrated Major League Baseball. After he retired from baseball, he became a staunch Richard Nixon supporter. Apparently, he got addicted to being the first black man to do everything.
A Ringling Brothers elephant is OK after being shot in a drive-by shooting while on parade in Mississippi. He wasn’t seriously hurt. There wasn’t much the elephant could say about it except the usual defense of the Second Amendment that Republicans always make.
The Rolling Stones announced Tuesday they will tour the U.S. this summer beginning in Los Angeles in May. The group is now touring in its sixth decade. There are still drugs available for their friends in the dressing room, but now there’s a $50 co-pay.
President Obama proposed a budget Tuesday that lowers the cost-of-living increases for seniors and doubles the federal tax on cigarettes. It doesn’t add up at all. If there is not enough money for Social Security, he shouldn’t be encouraging people to quit smoking.
The U.S. Postal Service backed down from its threat to end Saturday postal delivery if they don’t get more money. The Postal Service lost $16 billion last year. This is why you should have your tax refund direct-deposited and not delivered by U.S. mail.
Beyonce and Jay-Z drew criticism for visiting Cuba this week. They said they had U.S. government permission. When they agreed to perform at Michelle’s birthday gala they were granted three wishes, and like idiots they wasted two of them on tickets to Cuba.
Sen. Mitch McConnell’s meeting on Ashley Judd was bugged by liberals. He dwells on her mental health problems on the tape. Ashley did two nude movie scenes and he appeared in two Michael Moore pictures so the embarrassing-movie issue was neutralized.
The U.S. Navy told Congress Monday that it can shoot down any North Korean missile. However, they told lawmakers that they wouldn’t bother to shoot it down if the missile’s trajectory was off a few degrees. The government can’t afford to waste ammunition due to the shortage of anti-missile missiles today, thanks to their popularity at gun shows.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.12.13

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