Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, April 11, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Philosopher’s Rally convention organizers announced the topic will be Asia and the West when they meet in the Netherlands in May. They finally figured out why the chicken crossed the road. It was to escape North Korea’s long-range nuclear missiles.
KFC announced it’s set to add boneless fried chicken to its menu, which will make it easier for people to eat fried chicken. It’s a miracle. Boneless chicken allows everybody in L.A. to eat with one hand while driving without taking their other hand off the cell phone.
North Korea threatened to attack Los Angeles, Washington and Austin with nuclear missiles Tuesday. The response was swift. The U.S. Navy sent anti-missile destroyers off the coast of Korea and Texas Governor Rick Perry has started jogging with a gun again.
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer’s parent company won the bidding war for Hostess Twinkies on Monday. Pabst outbid a Mexican company for the right to the iconic brand. It’s a huge win for the Mexican bakery workers in the U.S. over the Mexican bakery workers in Mexico.
The White House held a lavish party for Hollywood celebrities Tuesday to pay tribute to the Memphis Soul Sound. It’s sad. They were was originally going to pay tribute to the New Orleans Soul Sound, but due to the sequester cuts, everyone had to settle for Memphis.
Beyonce and Jay-Z were seen strolling through Havana this week, prompting a lot of Americans to urge an end to the U.S. travel ban to the island. Cuba has sugar, rum, and the world’s finest cigars. New Yorkers are swimming there to get away from Mayor Bloomberg.
New York Police arrested a man who was dressed in a Cookie Monster outfit Monday for pushing a two-year-old boy onto the sidewalk in Times Square. It was terrible. The cops pulled off his costume and to no one’s surprise it was Rutgers’ former basketball coach.
Louisville coach Rick Pittino got into the Hall of Fame Sunday, four years after his sex scandal that originated in an Italian restaurant. He lost control of himself and made love to his date on top of the table. He almost lost his job but the violinist is fielding offers from five Italian restaurants in New York and two porn studios in the San Fernando Valley.
The U.S. Navy sent U.S. ships to the Persian Gulf with a laser gun which can disable Iranian patrol boats. The beams don’t kill anyone. And since everyone knows lasers also remove unwanted body hair, these ships may attract a lot of Persian water skiers seeking freebies.
Hillary Clinton was given a fourteen million dollar advance Sunday to write a book about her time as Secretary of State. The book will obviously be ghost-written. The publishers are negotiating with Vince Foster and four other deceased witnesses to write it.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office was discovered bugged by political opponents. He was taped discussing opposition research on Ashley Judd. She later decided not to run against him when they discovered her actual age in an old family Bible.
Princess Cruises named Prince William’s wife Kate Middleton as official godmother of their new luxury liner called the Royal Princess. It’s been a rough year for cruise liners. It’s the first time that morning sickness has ever been good for an endorsement deal.
Lady Maggie Thatcher’s death was celebrated by leftists and communists in Glasgow and London Monday with street parties. It looked bad. They shook up their bottles and tried to spray them all over each other, but there is just no carbonation in rubbing alcohol.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.11.13

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