Posted: Wednesday, April 10, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lady Margaret Thatcher was eulogized Monday as a great woman and as a champion for liberty. Her era was so different from today’s. President Obama expressed his sorrow for the passing of the Iron Lady and sent his condolences to her husband, Iron Man.
Dunkin Donuts announced it’s added a new item to its menu Friday which is a glazed donut sandwich stuffed with fried eggs. It’s so bad for you it looks like the war has begun. Apparently North Korea’s attack on America is being led by General Kim Junk-Food.
North Korea stationed its army on the border with South Korea Friday and deployed ICBM missile launching pads. They’ve threatened to destroy Los Angeles, Washington, D.C., and Texas. In a related story, France surrendered to North Korea last night, just in case.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un claimed Friday he has long-range nuclear missiles that can reach Los Angeles. It doesn’t happen just like that. Once the missiles get to Los Angeles, they’d better get some head shots and an agent, or they’re not going anywhere in this town.
President Obama got into hot water Friday for calling California’s Kamala Harris the best-looking attorney general in America at a San Francisco dinner. It was a party fundraiser. It turned out to be a fundraiser to buy Michelle a new pair of diamond earrings.
President Obama apologized for calling attention to the California attorney general’s beauty. One feminist called it grounds for impeachment. The president sabotaged his own agenda with embarrassing remarks and under the Constitution, that’s the vice president’s job.
Sen. Chuck Schumer said Sunday senators will propose a bipartisan immigration plan. It’ll include a 2,000-mile-long fence on the Mexico border. The trick is to get America’s best construction workers to build it while staying on the south side of the fence.
Democrats called for reduced violence on TV shows in an effort to lower gun crimes Friday. As a general rule, Democrats object more to violence on TV while Republicans object more to sex. It explains why there are more Democrats than there are Republicans.
President Obama infuriated Democrats by agreeing to cut raises in Social Security benefits to reduce the deficit. Blame it on golf. A president generally plays with three country club members and they’ll never reveal what he negotiated away for each mulligan.
Saudi Arabia’s royal palace announced Monday that Saudi women will be allowed to ride bicycles. It won’t stop there. When 60-mile-an-hour desert wind gusts catch their mandatory burkas going 20 miles an hour they’ll have to legalize paragliding, too.
Las Vegas strip bars said Friday they’ll ban Google Glasses next year to protect their customers. The glasses can record everything you see. It’d ruin a televangelist if he was seen making it rain and it did something besides bring relief to the Israelites in the desert.
Virgin America was rated No. 1 in customer satisfaction Monday by a government survey of U.S. airline passengers. It’s classy. Ranked last was Samoa Airlines, which now charges customers by the pound after offering them purge buckets at the check-in counter.
NBC paid Jay Leno $15 million to nullify his contract and stop hosting the Tonight Show next February. Two years ago NBC paid Conan O’Brien $30 million not to host it. If they need somebody not to host the show for less money, I won’t do it for $10 million.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.10.13