Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 4.5.13

Posted: Friday, April 5, 2013 7:00 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 04.05.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
China News reported a new outbreak of Bird Flu in China when two people died in Shanghai on Tuesday. It threatens to infect all of Asia. North Korea’s leader Kim Jung Un heard about the outbreak of Bird Flu and launched missiles towards the Canary Islands.
North Korea announced Thursday it has authorized plans for nuclear missile strikes on Los Angeles, Washington and Austin. It’s just insane. We’ve all done some bratty things waiting for the waiter to bring us our food, but this is taking it to a whole new level.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un mobilized for war against the U.S. Tuesday. We don’t need to go to war to beat him. The easiest way to get rid of Kim Jung Un is to have NBC name him the new host of the Tonight Show and when the ratings come in, quietly bring back Jay.
L.A. City Hall marked the fortieth anniversary of the first cell phone Wednesday. The earliest ones didn’t cause any car wrecks. Other drivers who saw you just assumed you were singing while drying your sideburns and gave you the leeway you’d give any escapee.
California’s Department of Forestry announced a plan to prevent summer brushfires by bringing in goats to graze on Los Angeles hillsides and eat up the brush this spring. It proves one thing. Trends come and go, but Jack Nicholson will always work in this town.
Sandy Koufax got a tremendous ovation when he threw out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium on Monday. The new owner assured fans that the team will win the pennant the Los Angeles way. That’s terrific, but how do you sleep your way to the top in baseball?
President Obama missed twenty of twenty-two free throws Monday at the Easter Egg Roll. He feels awful. He knows he’s going to be at the opening of the Bush Presidential Library in three weeks and everybody is going to tell him that Dick Cheney is a better shot.
George W. Bush will host the four living presidents to dedicate the George W. Bush Presidential Library in three weeks. There’s one room devoted to an exhibit of all the nations where he ended tyranny. You could go snow blind looking at the walls in that room.
South Carolina former governor Mark Sanford won a GOP primary runoff Tuesday for an open House seat. He resigned as governor over his extramarital affair with an Argentine lady. Everybody knew they’d eventually break up over who owns the Falklands.
Lindsay Lohan tweeted while vacationing in Brazil Monday she is pregnant but then twelve hours later she re-tweeted that it was an April Fools joke. She was not pregnant after all. She just made it all up so she could tell everyone in Rio that she’s drinking for two.
California’s Oakcrest Institute released a health study saying that laughter on a daily basis is just as healthy as exercise. It’s really bad news for the GOP. Nobody knew until now that watching Joe Biden on C-SPAN could extend your life by a minimum of eight years.
The National Archives bowed to sequester cuts by storing away most of its historical documents from the past seventy-five years. Congress is fine with that. Politicians want to be able to keep calling their opponents Hitler and not be hassled by fact-checkers.
The White House sannounced that the president will return five percent of his salary to the U.S. government to share the sacrifice in the sequester budget cuts. He’s paying seventeen hundred a month back to the Treasury. At this rate he’ll reimburse us for what he spent on family vacations but only if he’s president for another twenty-three years.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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