Posted: Thursday, April 4, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama agreed to shoot free throws in front of the kids at the White House Easter Egg Roll Monday. In front of everybody he missed twenty out of twenty-two free throws. That night, he was demoted from Commander-in-Chief to Washington General.
Louisville Slugger announced Monday this year’s Major League bats will be made out of harder wood to reduce splintering. Not all the teams will use them. The Yankees and the Mets will be limited to tee-ball bats under sixteen ounces by order of Mayor Bloomberg.
Michael Jackson’s mother sued Staples Center Tuesday for hiring Dr. Conrad Murray to treat the King of Pop. The doctor was sent to state prison. If California ever decides to use the death penalty we can save a lot of money by using convict labor for the execution.
Caroline Kennedy was reported Monday set to be appointed to be U.S. Ambassador to Japan. She was the tactful choice for such a sensitive diplomatic post. Thank goodness the Truman descendants turned down the job or we’d be at war with one more country.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un got little reaction from his declaration of war against the U.S. last week. He obviously forgot about our drone program. So think about Kim Jung Un the way you would a frail grandparent, let’s just enjoy the time we’ve got left with him.
North Korea’s leader Kim Jung Un threatened to obliterate Los Angeles, Washington D.C. and Austin, Texas with a nuclear missile attack last Friday. The attack would destroy Hollywood, disable the U.S. government, and wipe out the only liberal city in Texas. Kim Jung Un sent up a satellite in March and the only channel that comes in clearly is Fox News.
Egypt’s police interrogated late-night TV comic Baddem Youssef for telling jokes on Egypt’s president. So Cyprus is seizing bank accounts and Egypt is cracking down on presidential jokes. Everybody’s competing to be the site of the Obama Presidential Library.
President Obama declared April Personal Financial Responsibility Month. he wants to share the secret he just discovered of how to stop spending and live within a budget. The Republicans believe it’s an Easter miracle and Democrats think it’s an April Fools joke.
President Obama was subjected to an Easter sermon where the preacher ripped the GOP for being racist, anti-woman, anti-gay, and anti-immigrant. Everyone felt badly for him. The whole idea behind an Easter vacation is to get away from your day-to-day routine.
Hillary Clinton was hired by the National Multi-Housing Corporation to give her first paid speech. She’s in demand. During the playoffs, the NBA doesn’t want their stars to foul out, so they’re hiring Hillary to teach a seminar for the refs on how to look the other way.
The New York Post said Monday an unnamed NFL player has decided to be the first to admit that he’s gay during his playing career. It’s a sensitive topic. Pro football was invented nearly ninety years ago just so that fifty men could shower together without people talking.
Lindsay Lohan denied pregnancy rumors while she was partying in Brazil before she has to check into court-ordered rehab. A lot of people admire Lindsay’s determination to live life on her terms. Two more mug shots and she’ll have enough for her own calendar.
The Associated Press removed the phrase illegal immigrant from its style-book this week. The editors feel the label is stigmatizing. From now on, all Associated Press reports will simply refer to an illegal immmigrant as a person diagnosed with Happy Feet.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.4.13