Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un vowed to destroy Los Angeles, Washington, D.C., and Austin, Texas, Friday. He has his logic. He wants to obliterate Washington and L.A. to end imperialism and he wants to attack Austin because for all of his faults it turns out he’s an Oklahoma fan.
The White House had 30,000 kids for Monday’s Easter Egg Roll. You can tell the president was raised in Indonesia where these were not his traditions. He had the White House landscapers spread plum sauce over the lawn in preparation for the egg roll.
Pope Francis held his first Good Friday service as pope to commemorate the lashing and crucifixion and death of Jesus Christ Friday. Thousands attended. It’s a quiet and reverent service, with the singular exception of Mel Gibson’s re-enactment party in Malibu.
Queen Elizabeth sat with children at an Easter service in Oxford Thursday. It’s a fight against media influences to educate children on the spiritual aspects of the divine. Ninety percent of Christian kids believe that Jesus rose from the dead, and that he’s a zombie now.
USA Today said Americans bought 120 million pounds of candy for Easter this year. Kids looked forward to candy delivered to them by the Easter Bunny. It’s the time of year on the Cartoon Network when Elmer Fudd has his lowest poll numbers.
Joe Biden surprised diners in New York Thursday when he popped into a restaurant unannounced for breakfast. He shared his dessert with people at the next table. The vice president had no idea Mayor Bloomberg has a city-wide ban ban on dessert after breakfast.
Joe Biden went on his third vacation in three months Friday as President Obama’s girls flew from the Bahamas to Sun Valley and Michelle returned to the White House from Aspen. They needed it. Accusing the Republicans of doing nothing can be exhausting work.
President Obama told reporters Thursday that his NCAA tournament brackets were completely busted. The president sighed and said they may have been the worst picks he ever made. This means the President’s Council of Economic Advisors has lost the crown.
Homeland Security’s Janet Napolitano said Sunday she won’t tweet, text or Facebook any of her communications. She doesn’t know how and won’t learn. If we’re going catch those terrorists they had better be communicating by landline phones and Hallmark cards.
Hollywood director Rob Reiner was the first in line to enter the Supreme Court’s gay marriage debate Wednesday. He got a poor person to hold his place in line for 20 hours. All Reiner had to do was read his screenplay and promise him a path to citizenship.
Gen. David Petraeus admitted to a crowd in Los Angeles Wednesday that he slept with his biographer to make sure she wrote nice things about him. The audience took careful notes. He was speaking at a seminar on how to advance your career in Los Angeles.
California lawmakers weighed a bill requiring mattress manufacturers to take back used mattresses from consumers for recycling. The companies are thrilled. After what happened in Cyprus two out of three mattresses will be stuffed with someone’s life savings.
Pennsylvania cops arrested a man hunting deer in a Walmart parking lot. Last year they caught people cooking meth in Walmart bathrooms, now they’re catching them hunting in Walmart parking lots. One more incident and the Interior Department will declare Walmart a protected redneck habitat and you’ll have to pay a National Park entrance fee to shop there.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.2.13