Posted: Monday, April 1, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — Happy Easter Sunday, everybody, and God bless America.
Grammy Award-winning legend Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy in Los Angeles Wednesday. She listed twenty-five thousand dollars in assets and ten million dollars in debts. She needs a good lawyer or she could serve one to three years as Treasury Secretary.
Jay Leno was insulted by NBC execs who suggested he retire Friday. He’s pummeling Obama with his jokes every night and he’s winning the race for the most younger viewers. He’s being replaced under the shoot-the-messenger provision of the National Security Act.
The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will go to Mexico next month. It’s an annual exchange program. Once a year, the U.S. president goes to Mexico to visit our jobs, and once a year the president of Mexico comes to the U.S. to visit his people.
Ashley Judd announced she will not run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky Friday. It gets sadder. The next day Mitch McConnell announced he will not audition for the role of the kidnapped fashion model in the upcoming screwball comedy, Hey Hey in the Hayloft.
Saudi Arabia’s government was denounced by human rights groups on Thursday for beheading and then crucifying a man who committed sodomy with another man. It’s barbaric. In other religions they just break a glass on the floor to kick off the marriage.
The Supreme Court heard arguments over same-sex marriage Wednesday. This case will make history. Never before has a Supreme Court had three women at the same time, although John Marshall’s wife was suspicious at one point and almost left him.
The Supreme Court discussed legalizing gay marriage in deliberations Tuesday. Gays consider marriage a civil right. Now that AIDS has been conquered with drugs, they are hoping that the threat of spousal battery will put the drama back into the relationships.
Google asked eight thousand people to test a version of Google Glasses. They record and post everything you look at. They tested it on six thousand men last month and now Google has the largest on-line library of women’s chests in the history of the Internet.
President Obama named Julie Pierson to head the Secret Service Monday. The fun’s over, boys. She’s vowed to end the practice of Secret Service agents writing off the cost of hookers on their travel expense account and listing them as mattress testers for the president.
The Centers for Disease Control released a study saying nine people are killed each day from texting while driving. More die texting than drinking. Hearing statistics like this only causes people in California to sigh and say that this is the life we have chosen.
A California bill would allow bars to stay open until four a.m. to help Los Angeles compete with Las Vegas. It’s a bad idea. At four a.m. in L.A. there are no cabs, there are no buses–it’s just you, your rental car and that lawyer that does commercials on late-night TV.
Barbara Walters was reported Thursday to be nearing an announcement that she’s going to retire after fifty-two years on the air. It’s very rare. Most women in show business don’t announce their retirement, they just let the breast reduction surgery speak for itself.
Cyprus agreed to seize forty percent of the money in all big bank accounts in Cyprus as demanded by the German bankers Thursday. It’s to pay their debts. Every country has its favorite verb, and no one can make the word seize stand up and dance like the Germans.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.1.13