Posted: Thursday, March 28, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Fox network announced Tuesday it’s going to air a mini-series about the O.J. Simpson circus. The nine-episode drama will include the Brentwood murders, the slow-speed car chase and the trial of the century. John Elway just signed to play the slow white Bronco.
The Supreme Court debated a California law banning gay marriage on Monday. It felt like old news. The legal world appears ready to tackle new taboos, the way the White House is always bragging about the Supreme Court having three women at the same time.
FBI announced it’s investigating the death of a woman who died in her cabin aboard a Royal Caribbean cruise liner at sea on Sunday. It’s a mystery. The autopsy results will have to wait until they can find a Confederate general with some expertise on dysentery.
Jim Carrey mocked gun owners and Charlton Heston in a video spoof Friday. No one could believe he was mocking Charlton Heston during Easter and Passover. He’s out to prove you can get killed for religious expression without mentioning the Prophet Mohammed.
Men’s Health publisher and body-building guru Joe Weider died at the age of ninety-three in Los Angeles last week. He was a fitness fanatic. Joe Weider remained so strong and in such good shape all the way to the end that he’s going to serve as his own pallbearer.
Tiger Woods won Arnold Palmer’s tournament Monday after tornadic winds cleared the course Sunday. The skies suddenly turned black and winds hit ninety miles an hour. When Southern churches rehearse Good Friday services, they don’t care what it interrupts.
National Geographic bought Bill O’Reilly’s book The Killing of Christ for a miniseries Monday. It’s all due to the popularity of the mini-series The Bible. It’s just the Republicans’ luck that the year the Bible is so hot they nominated a candidate from the Book of Mormon.
General David Petraeus gave a speech Tuesday at USC where he apologized for the affair that ended his career. He picked the right town. People in Los Angeles are so non-judgmental about adultery that Fidelity Investments is known locally as Sleep Away Camp.
Prince Harry accepted the New Jersey governor’s invitation to visit the Sandy Hook hurricane survivors when he comes to the U.S. in May. He always shows sensitivity to the victims of violence. Every summer Harry puts down his machine gun and parties naked in America.
Eurozone officials said seizing bank accounts like they did in Cyprus can be a model for other countries. It set off international alarms. President Obama just cancelled his summer vacation to Martha’s Vineyard to go to Cyprus for a continuing education seminar.
The Treasury said it spent three and a half million dollars on former presidents last year. That includes their office space, staff, postage and travel. George W. Bush is the most expensive ex-president, and that’s not even counting what we spent on the Iraq War.
The Weekly Standard cited the Obamas for taking a vacation a month since the year started. They went to Hawaii in January, then he went to Florida while Michelle went to Aspen in February, now she’s back in Aspen and the daughters are in the Bahamas. It turns out they cancelled the White House tours so that no one would see that the house is empty.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.28.13