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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Anheuser-Busch provided incontrovertible proof that it doesn’t water down its beer Monday in response to a lawsuit. They’ve got bigger problems than this. Taco Bell just opened a new restaurant in suburban St. Louis and now two of the Clydesdales are missing.
Yale administrators were appalled by a campus survey Tuesday. It showed that nine percent of Yale students admitted they’d sold their bodies for sex. It doesn’t just give them extra money, it gives them a double minor in political science and entertainment law.
NFL kicker hopeful Lauren Silberman flunked her tryout with the N.Y. Jets on Monday in New York, Her kick went thirteen yards. After watching her kick, the team was still willing to sign her, but then she admitted on the questionnaire that she is attracted to men.
The Bible drew huge TV ratings for the History Channel Sunday. The book is full of stories of violence, family quarrels, treachery, adultery and debauchery. While there is no pope, everybody has to pick uo the slack to keep the Catholics from leaving the church.
Vatican City officials welcomed all the Cardinals to Rome Monday as they prepared to elect a new pope. Imagine one hundred fifty-seven men in one conclave who have never had sex. It breaks the record held by San Diego’s Star Trek convention ten years ago.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez died after a long battle with cancer Tuesday. Under normal protocol a U.S. president would attend the funeral of a South American leader who died in office. However, due to the sequestration cuts, we are flying Dennis Rodman there coach.
Venezuela’s vice president Arturo Maduro accused the CIA of giving cancer to Hugo Chavez after he died Tuesday. If we did, it was a total accident. For the last half century, Fidel Castro always switched the two beers the waitress would bring to him and his guest.
Hugo Chavez was lionized by the left Tuesday although his country is suffering from unemployment, high taxes, and fleeing industries. His Hollywood admirers enjoy one major consolation. Hugo Chavez’s legacy will forever live on in the California state tax code.
Egypt had riots by mobs angry over the imprisonment of people arrested in November after a soccer game. The inmates are fine with it. They don’t mind because being in jail for four months isn’t nearly as boring as watching a soccer game.
Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco signed a huge deal that added a thirty million dollar signing bonus Monday. Negotiations stalled for months and now he has to pay the higher tax rate on the rich. During the press conference he thanked his agent, Nancy Pelosi.
Jeb Bush hinted on NBC he may run for president Sunday while promoting his book Immigration Wars. It’s never wise to count him out. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he’s got a real chance of being the next president.
Kenya’s government called its first election in six years Sunday, prompting President Obama’s half-brother to announce he’s running for office. He was born in Kenya and had never held office before. The half-brother, on the other hand, has some actual experience.
The White House canceled all tours of the president’s home due to the sequestration budget cuts. The cuts are painful. This year for the NCAA basketball tournament, President Obama will only be permmitted to bracket thirty-two teams instead of sixty-four.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.7.13

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