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Argus 3.1.13

Argus 3.1.13

Posted: Friday, March 1, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House is bracing for a showdown with Congress today over the fate of the sequester budget cuts now due. Talk about coming full circle. By the end of the day we could have no government and no pope, which is all the Pilgrims wanted in the first place.
The White House warned Wednesday that the sequestration cuts will force the FAA to fire air traffic controllers in April. It just never ends. Apparently President Obama got bored trying to be the next Abe Lincoln and he’s decided to be the next Ronald Reagan.
“Anger Management” producers say Lindsay Lohan will join the TV show’s cast as one of Charlie Sheen’s patients. That’s perfect. Charlie and Lindsay prove what Hollywood photographers have always said about real stars, which is, they never take a bad mug shot.
The College of Cardinals will begin the selection of a new pope in a conclave at the Vatican today. Now the guessing game begins. The rumor is, the new pope could be one of two black Cardinals, but Americans still don’t know if it’s Bob Gibson or Lou Brock.
Homeland Security freed hundreds of illegal aliens citing budget cuts Tuesday. The stakes are high. Once any group of illegal aliens become citizens they get the same benefits all legal immigrants receive in America — two ethnic foods and one holiday a year.
Swedish meatballs were found with horsemeat in them after equine DNA was found in Danish pizza and English frozen foods. It’s alarming. At the Kentucky Derby this year, jockeys who want their horses to run faster will be carrying Cuisinarts instead of whips.
The Titanic II went under construction in an Australian shipyard Monday. It sails in two years. They’re trying to time the completion of the ship with the disappearance of the icebergs, but global warming scientists can’t agree on how fast the glaciers are melting.
Seth McFarlane was ripped by two California female lawmakers saying he degraded women with his Oscar song about actresses called We Saw Your Boobs. It really struck a nerve. Three actresses in the audience spilled out of their blouses shaking their fist at him.
Illinois Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. faces sentencing and imprisonment this week after he pleaded guilty in federal court in Chicago to campaign finance fraud. Oh well, that’s politics for you. One week you’re on the cover of Time, the next week you’re doing it.
The White House warned of deep Pentagon budget cuts if the sequestration cuts kick in today. They said the cuts would affect U.S. bases in New York and New Jersey. It’s alarmng, because the Hessians are still camped out on the other side of the Delaware River.
German researchers announced they found dramatic improvements in human aging Tuesday, saying that 72 years of age is the new 30. To reach this startling conclusion, the Germans used a brand-new scientific theory. It states that the fastest way to get your research funded is to tell Baby Boomers that they’re never going to get old.
Washington Post’s Bob Woodward wrote that President Obama’s decision not to deploy an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf and blaming it on the sequester cuts is a kind of madness not seen since Richard Nixon. That’s unfair. President Nixon never had to keep an aircraft carrier anchored off Houston to keep Texas from seceding from the Union.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.1.13

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