Argus 2.7.13

Posted: Thursday, February 7, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Beyonce’s halftime show reportedly caused the Super Bowl power blackout Sunday night. She stole the show at the Inaugural and she stole the show at the Super Bowl. If W.C. Fields were alive, he’d tell the president never to work with children, dogs or Beyonce.
Las Vegas bookies announced Monday a record $100 million was bet in Nevada sports books on the Super Bowl. The sports books cleaned up this year offering side bets. Phil Mickelson lost $10,000 betting on the electrical grid.
The Justice Department released a memo backing President Obama’s power to order drone strikes to kill U.S. citizens overseas in al-Qaeda. He’s on a roll. This follows the release of last week’s Justice Department memo asserting the president’s authority to shoot skeet.
Louisiana Democratic state finance officials announced Monday that the Super Bowl was a bonanza for state coffers. The game brought $450 million to the New Orleans economy. Afterwards, in an elaborate ceremony, they paid the electric bill.
Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was voted Super Bowl MVP Sunday. While accepting the award after the game, he announced that he and his wife are expecting their first child. He faces a $10,000 fine from the NFL Players Union for fidelity.
The White House announced President Obama will visit Israel, Jordan and the West Bank next month. The two opposing sides hate each other. Henry Kissinger may have to come out of retirement to negotiate a peace deal between the Israelis and President Obama.
Louisiana Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal inflamed GOP conservatives last week by saying Republicans have got to stop being the stupid party. Democrats were also furious at what Gov. Jindal said. They insist that the proper term is learning-impaired.
Europol is investigating to see if Asia crime gangs bribed soccer players to fix World Cup matches. Soccer bribery is everywhere. If it weren’t for free education, free health care, child tax credit subsidies and an open border, we wouldn’t even have a soccer team.
An Oregon Democratic U.S. congressman proposed a bill placing a $50-an-ounce federal tax on all marijuana sales in Oregon Tuesday. How idiotic. Once pot dealers are required to pay federal taxes, they’ll force college kids to vote Republican or pay full price.
Pakistan will build an amusement park near Osama bin Laden’s compound. It’ll have thrilling rides, exercise parks, a shooting range and para-gliding. They haven’t even started building the park and already the line for the Hijack-a-Plane ride is a two-hour wait.
Leon Panetta said that waterboarding terror suspects helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden. An enemy will always adapt. Last week a guy in India held his breath underwater for 13 minutes, and $10 says al-Qaeda has already asked him to name his price.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.7.13