Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, February 5, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Super Bowl drew one hundred million viewers for CBS Sunday. The game didn’t seem to matter. Half the viewers tuned in to see if Beyonce would lip-sync and the other half tuned in to see which players hugged each other a liitle too long after a big play.
The French Quarter hosts millions in New Orleans for Mardi Gras tonight. The Super Bowl drunk is followed by the Mardi Gras orgy. New Orleans has withstood three great enemies in two hundred years, the British Navy, the Yankee army and alcohol rehabs.
The University of Miami might change the name of its Alex Rodriguez Baseball Park due to new HGH charges. It’s making everyone wary. Nobody’s naming anything after Barack Obama til they find out if he used deer antler spray on the election returns in Ohio.
Dan Marino admitted Thursday he had an adulterous affair with his CBS production assistant seven years ago that unexpectedly produced a love child. It happened for the same reason the former quarterback never won a Super Bowl. His protection broke down.
The White House started construction on a second Oval Office at the Executive Office building across the street to accomodate renovations. They’re connected by a tunnel. The White House won’t refer to the tunnel as a tunnel, they call it a pathway to citizenship.
The Justice Department blocked Anheuser-Busch’s purchase of the Mexican brewery which makes Corona. The administration is furious. The president brews his own beer in the White House and if Anheuser-Busch is going to buy anybody, they ought to buy him.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un set off nuclear bomb tests Friday to draw attention away from his nation’s dire conditions. He just marked his birthday with a magic show. When the magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat, it was immediately eaten by thirty million people.
Hawaii state legislators backed a Celebrity Protection Law from paparazzi on Hawaii beaches Friday. The stars are sensitive. Most celebrities don’t mind being photographed cavorting on the white sand as long as the white sand is on the ocean and not on a coffee table.
The U.S. Embassy in Turkey was attacked by an Islamist suicide bomber Friday. It was the eighth embassy attack while Hillary was Secretary of State. The Democrats rallied around Hillary and said it was Bush’s fault, and Al Gore sold one of his companies to Turkey.
Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel was ripped in Senate hearings Thursday. On the record he’s supported talking with Iran and criticized the Jewish lobby. The senators spent so much time grilling Hagel, they never even got to his character witness, Mel Gibson.
Energy Secretary Henry Chu resigned to go back to academia on Friday. He left quite a legacy. The next Energy Secretary’s job is to award U.S. government grants to solar power companies that can stay in business at least until the president is safely out of office.
Zimbabwe’s finance minister stunned the world Friday by reporting that his country has exactly two hundred seventeen dollars in the bank. It’s another victory for the ten percent flat tax and reduced entitlement spending. Five years ago Zimbabwe was the joke of the financial world and today it’s number two on the Forbes list of richest countries.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.5.13

Leave a Comment