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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, January 31, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama flew to Nevada to give a speech on immigration reform Tuesday at a high school in Las Vegas. He had fun. Barack Obama was asked to speak in the high school because when you’re sixteen trillion dollars in debt, they won’t let you in the casino.
The National Council of Churches reported church attendance in the U.S. dropped last year. It’s been the trend for decades. A new survey says that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. and if you don’t believe that you’re probably one of them.
Facebook continued its dramatic rebound on Wall Street this week as the Dow Jones soared. FB went back to basics. Last month, Facebook decided to stick to doing what they do best, which is letting you know that your friends from high school got fat and bald.
President Obama said Sunday he’s not sure he’d allow his son to play football due to the risk of head injuries. It caused quite a stir. Five minutes after the imaginary son was revealed, the Enquirer released a picture of him with Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend.
Alex Rodriguez was mentioned in a Miami HGH distributor’s list of ballplayer clients Tuesday as a customer. Nothing works. Alex Rodriguez’s problem this year is that he tore his hip and can’t play, his problem last year was, his hip was fine and he could play.
Sports Illustrated says Ray Lewis used deer antler extract to heal his arm. The antler hormone boosts muscle and acts as an aphrodisiac. Vikings used to take one bite out of their helmet whenever they’d get that two o’clock feeling halfway through sacking a city.
Iran launched a live monkey into space last week and retrieved the monkey when the craft returned. It’s bittersweet. It was great news for Iran, which made a huge advance in missile technology, but bad news for the monkey who thought he had made it out of Iran.
The U.S. Senate proposed an immigration bill Monday which would offer illegal aliens a pathway to citizenship. It’s sad. America used to have the finest border patrol in the world, but then there was a school shooting and we confiscated the Comanches’ weapons.
The Boy Scouts of America signaled Monday that it may lift its ban on gay scouts and gay adult leaders. It’s already started in some cities. Last night the Boy Scouts in West Hollywood gave out six merit badges for hiking and five merit badges for musical comedy.
Barbara Walters made news Monday when it was announced on The View that she’d been hospitalized in New York with chicken pox. It’s a new low in show business fibbing. Barbara Walters is eighty-two years old and she’s trying to convince everyone she’s twelve.
The Secret Service dog in Joe Biden’s hotel suite leaped six stories off a balcony to its death Friday. Joe was on the road to give his speech justifying gun control and higher taxes. The dog’s job is to protect the vice president and his heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
A California mansion sold Tuesday for one hundred twenty million dollars in Silicon Valley where the high-tech geek billionaires all live. This explains why Hillary Clinton has been wearing those thick, horn-rimmed glasses in television interviews lately. With all the money she’s going to need to run for president she needs to attact a wealthier husband.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.31.13

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