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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Iran’s Ayatollah declared Friday any attack by a foreign country on Syria will be taken as an attack upon Iran. Their missile technology is starting to worry everyone. Just last week Iran sent a monkey into outer space, for drawing pictures of the Prophet Mohammed.
Argo won Best Film at the Screen Actors Guild Awards Sunday. It’s about the CIA rescue of U.S. hostages from Iranians who burned U.S. flags and chanted Death to America back in 1979. Nowadays it’s hard to describe the extent to which some cultures hated disco music.
France sent more troops to Africa Monday, causing al-Qaeda forces in Mali to retreat northwards. The rebels are lightly armed but they’re luring the French deeper into the jungle. Jane Fonda will be huge with the college kids again if she can just live another five years.
The Pentagon allowed women in combat units Tuesday, igniting a bitter debate over a woman’s ability in ground combat. It’s a tactical decision. We’ve been trying to defeat al-Qaeda for twenty years and we’ve tried everything on them except the silent treatment.
New Orleans is hosting the Super Bowl on Sunday as well as Mardi Gras the next two days. Luckily there’s good coordination with the government. FEMA promised that the morning after it’s all over, they will bring in emergency supplies of tomato juice and vodka.
President Obama’s campaign staff and operation was rolled into a permanent lobbying group on Friday. Democrats can still buy items on his website to support his efforts for hope and change. Each Obama bumper sticker comes with a Toyota Prius attached to it.
John McCain proposed an immigration bill in which illegal aliens will pay back taxes and a fine and move to the back of the line. It should work. After all, it’s their willingness to obey the law and wait their turn in line which brought them to America in the first place.
President Obama offered illegal aliens a citizenship plan in Las Vegas. No one likes it. Conservatives say it’s amnesty, liberals say it’s too harsh on illegal aliens and Las Vegas casinos don’t like the fact that Indian casinos get them first as they come through Arizona.
President Obama told the New Republic magazine in an interview Sunday that he often goes skeet shooting at Camp David. It’s a skill he needs to acquire. Someday Barack Obama will move back home to Chicago and he needs to learn how to lead the intruder by two feet.
Wall Street hedge fund managers were reported Monday fleeing New York for Palm Beach to escape high state and local taxes. Florida has set up an office to welcome the billionaires to Palm Beach. They walk into the room and have thirty seconds to introduce themselves to Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, then a whistle sounds and the next guy gets a chance.
Senator Robert Menendez was put under FBI probe Monday for procuring underage hookers in Puerto Rico. This may go very badly for him. By the time the senators finish investigating one of their own he’ll be censured by the Ethics Committee for under-tipping.
President Obama hosted the world champion Miami Heat at the White House Monday where the players took turns in the hallway taking photos in front of Bill Clinton’s portrait. They idolize him. Everyone said Wilt Chamberlain’s record of ten thousand women would never be broken so the players wanted to pose with the picture of the guy who did it.
Ready for Hillary filed papers at the FEC Monday so they can raise money to draft Hillary Clinton for president. She’s survived Whitewater, Travelgate, Rose Law Firm billings investigations, an insider trading probe about her killing in cattle futures, and now Benghazi. Cockroaches say Hillary would be the only one left alive after a nuclear war.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.30.13

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