Posted: Wednesday, January 23, 2013 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Washington D.C. hosted events all weekend to celebrate the Inauguration. The hottest trending celebrities arrived to toast the president. Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend went on the Today Show to introduce everybody to her twin sister, the economic recovery.
President Obama was sworn into office in a White House ceremony Sunday. His first term legacy is there for the world to see. President Obama killed Osama bin Laden, he killed Anwar al-Awlaki, he killed Momar Kadafi and he provided health care for everybody.
President Obama took the Oath with his hand on Lincoln’s and Dr. King’s bibles. Not everyone bought in. One guy in the crowd pointed out that Robert E. Lee’s birthday was being celebrated in fifteen states that day and was arrested for anti-Soviet thought crimes.
President Obama didn’t mention foreign policy in his Inaugural Address on Monday despite the War on Terror. He’s on the warpath against gun use. The only concession that he made to the National Rifle Association was that he allowed his wife to wear bangs.
The Harlem Choir sang the Battle Hymn of the Republic before Beyonce did a soulful National Anthem Monday. It was thrilling. Republicans could only watch and vow to perform trick golf shots at the Inaugural ceremony the next time they swear-in a president.
Beyonce sang the National Anthem at the Inaugural Monday where she got a bigger round of applause than the president received. He’s not going make the same mistake again. When the president gives his State of the Union address, he’s going to wear lip gloss.
The White House angered Evangelicals by asking only Episcopal and Methodist ministers to officiate at the National Prayer Service. It’s a fact of life. Once you have a million dollars in the bank and a twelve handicap, you just can’t pray with your arms up in the air.
The Inaugural brought Democrats and Republicans together if just for a day at the Congressional lunch held for the president in the Rotunda of the U.S. Capitol Monday. They had to be civil. Ever four years on this day, Democrats and Republicans agree not to call each other Nazis for a day, and call each other fascists instead as a show of goodwill.
New York state lawmakers rejected a panel’s recommendation that taxpayers cover the cost of sex change operations last week. That’s wise. The fear is that too many people would take advantage of the free parts and labor to improve the sex they already are having.
The Sydney Library moved Lance Armstrong books to the fiction section Monday. He will likely break even. The Post Office wants its money back for sponsoring him but the Education Department wants to pay him to inspire children to learn more about chemistry.
CBS revealed Monday that no issue ads will air during the the Super Bowl in ten days allowing only for commercial products to advertise. That’s as it should be. Madison Avenue advertising executives are only concerned with one issue, does cleavage sell beer?
The TSA dropped the full body scanner that shows nude images of people at airport security. However it will still be used at L.A. Airport. Casting directors pay a fee to the government to be notified when somebody they haven’t seen naked arrives in Los Angeles.
President Obama proposed huge programs in his Inaugural Monday knowing that second terms are usually disastrous. FDR, Ike, Nixon, Reagan, and George W. Bush all had graveyard second terms. To keep the American people enjoying your presidency during your second term you need a balanced budget, a stock market boom and an open marriage.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.23.13