Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Notre Dame stood by Manti Te’o after his dead girlfriend turned out to be imaginary Friday. He’s a legend now. Last night in the locker room Notre Dame’s basketball coach told the team to go out there and win one for the girl whose picture came with their wallet.
Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in Beverly Hills court for the 20th time Thursday over her car wreck on Pacific Coast Highway last fall. It’s for running over and killing Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend. Lindsay never saw her coming.
Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o’s online girlfriend whom he never met and who reportedly died turns out never to have existed. To be a champion you must stay focused on your sport. If O.J. Simpson had had an iPhone and a fake girlfriend, he would still have his Heisman Trophy.
Lance Armstrong admitted taking performance enhancing drugs on Oprah Winfrey’s show Friday. He was stripped of his titles and banned from cycling forever. It really validates what they say at the Cheesecake Factory that exercise just leads to prosecution.
Jodie Foster was reported in Hollywood Friday to have had her two teenage boys by her friend Mel Gibson. She and her gay partner reportedly chose Mel to provide the sperm. Every time the family drives by a synagogue the kids jump up against the window and bark.
Tiger Woods was reported Friday to have proposed to his ex-wife Elin and promised to be faithful. He’s done the work. Tiger went into a sex rehab in Hattiesburg two years ago where the therapists spent 28 days teaching him how to erase text messages.
President Obama issued two dozen executive orders to try to curb gun violence last week. It could affect the Super Bowl. The president banned the pistol offense, the shotgun formation, the bullet pass, the long bomb and any quarterback with a rifle arm.
President Obama tapped Denis McDonough to be his Chief of Staff on Thursday. This is the sixth white male he’s appointed to his six top positions. Bill Clinton wanted a cabinet that looks like America and Barack Obama wants one that looks like baseball before 1945.
Hillary Clinton is scheduled to testify in Congress about the al-Qaeda attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi and the anti-Muslim-film excuse she gave for the attack. She won’t be under oath, however. She just announced that she fell and broke her right elbow.
The TSA agreed to get rid of the airport X-ray scanners that show the traveler’s nude body onscreen. It really slowed down the line. After they took the naked photos they interviewed travelers to list their turn-ons and turn-offs to print on the back of each picture.
Ann Romney turned down an offer from ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” to compete on the show this spring. Mrs. Romney has multiple sclerosis. It’s not enough for Hollywood to defeat the Republicans, they want to knock them to ground and watch them struggle to stand back up.
Tom Brokaw likened gun rights defenders to civil rights opponents in the ’60s. The day before, Bob Schieffer compared the NRA to Nazis. In Mother England it’s your bloodline that makes you a member of the nobility but in America it’s a journalism degree.
New York police discovered in Battery Park Friday that a Revolutionary War cannon from British-occupied New York was still loaded with gunpowder and still able to fire. It’s sat there for 230 years. The cannon protected Wall Street from all the Americans who were fighting for equality and no one’s ever seen a reason to unload it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.22.13