Argus 1.11.13

Posted: Friday, January 11, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Baseball Hall of Fame got no new inductees Wednesday after Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens didn’t get enough votes to get in. It wasn’t a total loss. They didn’t make it into the Hall of Fame but they did finish in a four-way tie for Mr. Olympus.
Brent Musberger drooled all over Miss Alabama Katherine Webb when cameras showed her in the stands during the title game Monday. He’s 70 years old and she’s 20. In Alabama she’d be his granddaughter and in Los Angeles she would be his murder victim.
Lance Armstrong agreed to go on Oprah and confess to steroid use Friday. His world has collapsed. Last fall, Nike terminated Lance Armstrong’s contract, saying it doesn’t condone performance enhancing drugs unless it helps Asian children increase production.
The Hollywood Reporter said Hillary Rodham Clinton’s life as a young congressional staffer in the ’70s will be made into a feature movie. It covers the time she and Bill first met and fell in love. The working title of this movie is An Affair to Refrigerate.
Charlie Sheen thanked L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa on Twitter Friday for the great time they had partying in Mexico’s border country last weekend. The mayor is just lucky he’s still alive. Last year Charlie Sheen did enough cocaine to kill Two and a Half Men.
Barack Obama named Jack Lew as Treasury Secretary. He picked John Kerry, Chuck Hagel, John Brennan and Jack Lew to head State, Defense, CIA and Treasury. He’s got so many white guys working for him it’s starting to look like a photo-negative of an NBA team.
Walmart turned down Joe Biden’s request to meet with him to discuss gun violence and gun sales. The store wouldn’t even talk to him. They felt they did their part for gun safety last year when they stopped people from making crystal meth in the bathrooms.
Savannah gun stores were bought out of stock Tuesday as residents of Southern states continued buying up guns and ammo. They’re ready for anything. Georgia is a right-to-work state, so armed school guards get to shoot without having to join the teachers’ union.
The National Hockey League owners and players reached a labor deal Saturday after a lockout nearly cancelled the season. What a relief. For the last six months, to enjoy hard-partying and hard-fighting white guys with bad teeth we’ve had to follow Prince Harry.
Monopoly gamemakers announced a vote Monday allowing people to decide the fate of the eight tokens. There’s only five left. The White House just decommissioned the battleship, outsourced the wheelbarrow to Mexico and sent the Top Hat fleeing to the Grand Caymans.
Sen. Lindsey Graham vowed to block John Brennan’s nomination for CIA director if the State Department doesn’t come clean on the Benghazi fiasco. The questions in the hearings will be brutal. Hillary Clinton has two weeks to find something to hit her head on.
North Korea’s leader Kim Jung Un celebrated his birthday by delivering two pounds of chocolate to every kid in North Korea. What a nice gesture. Syria’s Bashar al-Assad is kicking himself for celebrating his birthday two years ago by sending everyone anthrax.
Audi introduced its new self-driving car at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show Wednesday. The new car is accelerated, steered, stopped and parked by sensors equipped with autonomous technology that guides you smoothly to your destination. It’s an absolute embarrassment to the Confederate flag you have painted on the roof of your car.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.11.13