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Argus 1.4.13

Argus 1.4.13

Posted: Friday, January 4, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Here’s part three of our annual look back at the funniest news of the year.
SEPTEMBER — Mitt Romney vowed to end the outsourcing of U.S. jobs overseas Sunday. The practice often backfires. One U.S. city outsourced its suicide hotline to a call center in Pakistan, and if you call and tell the operator you’re feeling suicidal, she asks you if you can drive a truck.
The World Economic Forum released a wealth report Friday that said Canadians are now richer per-capita than Americans for the first time in history. It’s this recession. Four years ago we were the world’s only super-power and today we are Canada’s Mexicans.
Bill Clinton brought down the house with his speech at the Democratic convention in Charlotte Wednesday. It was like old times seeing him back in action. After the speech he went into the bar and asked for the usual, and the waitress gave him a restraining order.
OCTOBER — Mitt Romney soared in polls after he trounced President Obama Tuesday in the first of the three presidential debates. This election will be decided by the independent vote. Webster’s Dictionary defines an independent as a Republican who’s in show business.
David Letterman was selected to receive a Kennedy Center Honor in December. Last year Dave was blackmailed over an adulterous office affair he had with an intern but he escaped with his career unharmed. The Kennedys are also honoring him for his comedy.
Hurricane Sandy threatened to destroy offshore wells and cause East Coast oil spills Monday. It’s a concern. Democrats fear that fresh water could get contaminated by oil and gas and Republicans are afraid that oil and gas could get contaminated by fresh water.
NOVEMBER — Americans will go to the polls Tuesday to select a Democratic president who will be blocked by Republicans or a GOP president who will be blocked by Democrats. So there’s no reason for either side to worry. If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.
Gen. David Petraeus was caught in a catfight between his two mistresses and his wife. It’s mixed news. The scandal cost Gen. Petraeus any chance of the GOP nomination for president in four years, however it virtually guarantees him the Democratic nomination.
Black Friday lured 150 million Americans to the shopping malls and to the superstores Friday. It’s a ritual as regular as the Anglican Cycle of Prayer. Thanksgiving is followed by Black Friday, which is followed by Small Business Saturday, which is followed by Cyber Shopping Monday, which is followed by Identity Theft Tuesday.
DECEMBER — Santa Monica was barred by a U.S. judge from displaying the Nativity Scene in a public park Friday. It’s too bad. People in L.A. marvel at Nativity Scenes because it’s so rare that people in this city get to see a baby being taken care of by both parents at the same time.
The Golden Globe Award nominations were announced in Beverly Hills on Thursday with Lincoln leading all movies. What a man. In his time he was known as Honest Abe and the Great Emancipator, but today he’s better known by his rapper name, One Cent.
House Republicans and Democrats stayed deadlocked Monday over whether to cut spending or raise taxes to save the economy. If the lawmakers send us over the cliff they still get paid. Their salaries are guaranteed under the Americans with No Abilities Act.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at

Published in The Messenger 1.4.13

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