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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, January 3, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Here’s part two of our annual look back at the funniest news of 2012. Come back tomorrow for the big finish to the year!
MAY — The Census Bureau said Friday half of all babies born in the U.S. belong to a minority group. It’s big news. Democrats called it the end of white rule in America and Republicans urged private high schools to cancel their U.S. civics classes and study British Rule in India.
L.A. Lakers star Metta World Peace was booed by the OKC Thunder crowd Monday. He elbowed a Thunder player’s head last week. If it hadn’t happened, World Peace would have been booed in Oklahoma City anyway, where they name churches after Dick Cheney.
JUNE — Queen Elizabeth enjoyed huge crowds at her Diamond Jubilee celebrations Sunday including two million Americans. There’s a time and place for color. Queen Elizabeth would be America’s queen today, but British soldiers insisted on wearing red in the woods.
GOP billionaire David Koch gave the Smithsonian thirty-five million dollars for a dinosaur hall on the National Mall. It was a trade-off. When Republicans agreed to a statue of Martin Luther King on the National Mall, Democrats had to agree to a Museum of Oil Origin.
Michelle Obama applauded New York’s proposed ban on large sugary drinks. It has got the city in turmoil. Last night, New York police let a guy go for having less than twenty-five grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than sixteen ounces of Pepsi.
JULY — The British Medical Journal reported Monday that exercise can add up to six years to a man’s life, but they warned that inactivity can kill you. That doesn’t sound true at all. If inactivity could kill you the floor of the United States Senate would be covered in bodies.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer is in movie theaters Friday about a young Lincoln who swings his ax to kill zombies. Hollywood can’t just appropriate great men and use them for horror movies. What’s next, Robert E. Lee, Assistant Football Coach at Penn State?
NBC showcased the U.S. Olympic village in London Sunday. It has two McDonald’s, two beer gardens and a store with free snacks, free sodas and free condoms for U.S. athletes. This gives us four weeks to see if ObamaCare works as well in practice as it does in theory.
AUGUST — The London Olympics banned women’s beach volleyball bikinis and replaced them with less-revealing gym oufits after Arabs objected. The Muslim countries don’t think at all like Westerners. In California, for instance, we expose our women and cover up our oil.
Mitt Romney plans to reveal his life’s story at the GOP convention when he accepts the nomination for president. He’s a man who’s committed to one woman who doesn’t drink, drug, smoke, or use caffeine. After the speech, Prince Harry will deliver the rebuttal.
The British Army announced plans to reprimand Prince Harry for his partying in Las Vegas, where he played strip billiards with girls and got photographed naked. It’s part of his training for his future official duties. Prince Harry becomes king when Charlie Sheen dies.
Come back tomorrow for part three of the best laughs of 2012!
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 1.3.13

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