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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, January 2, 2013 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
It’s time for our annual look back at the funniest news of the year. Here’s part one. Come back Thursday and Friday for parts two and three of the best laughs of 2012.
JANUARY — Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos to a stunning playoff victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday. Fan comments on the game set a record for the most volume ever on Twitter. Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. Simpson car chase.
The Iron Lady starring Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher opened Friday. The movie details the dementia that struck her late in life as it did Churchill and Reagan. Hollywood can’t honor a great woman without implying that conservatism rots your brain.
The Wall Street Journal reported Hostess will file for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy and likely be bought piecemeal by Gruppo Bimbo bakery in Mexico. That should work. It’ll lower transportation costs if the Twinkies and the marijuana come from the same location.
FEBRUARY — Whitney Houston’s drug dealer in Beverly Hills told Star magazine she bought seven million dollars worth of cocaine from him over the years. He kept records. Three times this guy was regional sales leader and he won a free trip to Hawaii for himself and his wife.
NASA observed the fiftieth anniversary of John Glenn of Ohio first orbiting the earth. The first men to fly, the Wright Brothers, and the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, were also from Ohio. It sounds like mankind will try anything to get out of Ohio.
Mitt Romney was warmly received when he spoke to the NAACP convention meeting in Houston Thursday. It was fun watching a wealthy white Mormon Republican asking five thousand black people for their help. It looked like a photo negative of Blazing Saddles.
MARCH — The White House invited dozens of Hollywood stars to Wednesday’s state dinner for Great Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron. The dress code was black-tie formal. To get people from L.A. to put on formal wear they had to hand out statuettes at the front door.
Lindsay Lohan was released on informal probation Friday at the Beverly Hills Courthouse. She’s down to her last chance. The judge warned Lindsay that if she breaks the law one more time, she’s going to be tried as an African-American male in his mid-twenties.
India suffered a nationwide power outage on Thursday. It left three hundred million Americans without tech support. India’s prime minister went on CNN and asked Americans to please turn off their computers for five minutes, turn them back on and see if that helps.
APRIL — The Secret Service hooker scandal in Colombia ended the careers of nine agents and two supervisors Monday. They said it’s a lurid culture. Many of these agents started out under Bill Clinton, when protecting the president meant keeping a condom in your holster.
Mitt Romney assigned his Massachusetts governor’s aide to head up the search team for his vice presidential running mate for the fall campaign. She must come up with dozens and dozens of names. Mormon men are allowed to have up to three vice presidents.
President Obama warned Thursday if the Supreme Court overturns his health care law, seniors and poor people won’t get their prescription drugs. It made many people concerned. Anybody who says that laughter is the best medicine has never taken Vicodin.
Come back tomorrow for part two of the funniest news of the 2012!
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.2.13

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