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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, December 24, 2012 7:00 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow announced he and supermodel Camilla Belle ended their two-month relationship Thursday. It was the same old problem. She started dating someone else and she was only interested in keeping Tim as the back-up boyfriend.
Harry Reid adjourned the Senate Thursday to see a screening of Lincoln with Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis and all U.S. senators. He called the screening an opportunity for bi-partisan fellowship. Everybody enjoyed a civil war with an ending instead of a cliff.
The Senate held hearings on the administration’s failure to protect the U.S. consulate in Benghazi from attack last fall. Cables show the attack was predicted and ignored. The White House has admitted that mistakes were made, but maintains that no one made them.
Russia’s parliament voted overwhemingly to ban Americans from adopting Russian kids and bringing them to the U.S. It’s an issue of sportsmanship. The Russians figure that when their kids are fighting the Germans in the next war, at least they get to fire back.
President Obama named Joe Biden to head a task force to try to ban assault weapons Thursday. This ensures their proliferation. With Joe Biden in charge, the catalogue for Victoria’s Secret will not only offer you bazookas you can admire but bazookas you can fire.
President Obama deplored what he called America’s culture of guns and violence on Thursday. He was inspiring. Many Californians have decided to follow the president’s example — put away our guns and call in a drone strike on anybody who cuts us off in traffic.
The Weather Channel reported blizzard conditions swept the Midwest on Thursday and played havoc with air travel through Chicago. The airlines did all they could do to help. Their fifty-dollar change fee was replaced with a fifty-dollar luggage defrosting fee.
The British government announced that the unemployed will be required to search for jobs on a Jobs Match website or risk losing benefits. The website matches jobs with people. They meet at a coffee shop and discuss why their past relationships didn’t work out.
The National Institutes of Health’s survey showed that one-fifth of high school seniors smoke pot at least once a month. That’s an improvement. Pot smokers used to be a much higher number but the government’s school lunch program restricts pizza to once a month.
Argentina cordoned off its volcano because it feared local indigenous tribes would throw themselves in at the moment of the apocalpyse. The volcano is used year-round. The Indian casinos in Argentina have a collections department that would make Las Vegas swoon.
Doomsday Eve parties were held in New York Thursday night to welcome the Mayan Apocalypse. The attendees were swingers who wanted to go out drinking, drugging and sleeping around. The Mayan Apocalypse was forecast every weekend back in the Seventies.
The U.S. Treasury will sell its stake in GM and get out of the car business. The U.S. gave GM fifty billion dollars four years ago and will recoup forty billion of it. The ten billion dollar loss makes GM the most profitable branch of the U.S. government, so it had to be sold.
Apple announced huge sales of iPhone 5’s when they were introduced at stores in China last Friday. It’s amazing. Steve Jobs has joined Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Jesus Christ on the list of superstars whose financial worth has skyrocketed after they died.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.24.12

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