Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, December 11, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Kate Middleton’s pregnancy became public when she left the hospital Thursday. The doctor told her to rest a lot and not lift anything heavy. So if Prince Harry sleeps over at Kensington Palace, Prince William will have to be the one who picks him up off the floor.
Detroit’s city council demanded that President Obama grant them a bailout in return for all their votes for him last month. At least they’re honest. People in Detroit don’t care if the cashier says Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to them, either way this is a robbery.
Hanukkah began Saturday night, marking a miracle of regenerating oil lamps during Israel’s victory over Syria in ancient times. It’s been updated. Rabbis now teach kids that during battle, a laptop only had enough battery juice for one day but it miraculously lasted for eight days.
The IOC banned India from the Olympics Thursday due to government interference in India’s IOC. Indian athletes can’t compete in next year’s Winter Games in Sochi. India had high hopes for winning the gold medal in fixing frozen computers over the telephone.
North Korea announced it’ll test-fire a missile that could reach the West Coast. They can’t lose by trying. So many North Korean missiles turned out to be duds that fell harmlessly offshore they’ve formed a barrier reef that protects the country from amphibious invasion.
Washington state legislators tried to devise a roadside sobriety test for pot Tuesday now that it’s legal. Cops need to know if you’re too stoned to drive. The best idea so is for the patrolman to offer the driver a sack of cookies and see if the suspect can stop at one.
Congress was asked by cops to force wireless providers to store all texts for future evidence retrieval. The adulterers panicked. Today there are so many iPhones in the Washington Monument reflecting pool, it looks like people were making wishes with them.
Florida U.S. Senator Marco Rubio drew praise from conservatives for his opposition to any tax hikes during the senator’s recent speech to Iowans. So he must be running for president. The only other time you’d see a Floridian in Iowa is when the plane crashes.
British intelligence and CIA agents were reportedly slipping into Syria Monday. They must change their routine. The dictator just ordered the doorman at the Damascus casino to kill the first white guy who wins big at baccarat and then walks out with the check.
Steven Spielberg’s film Lincoln drew raves from historians Sunday although the film never brings up Abe’s proposed deportation of slaves. Yankees maintain they invaded the South for the purest of motives. At the time they thought all the oil was in Pennsylvania.
Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of wasting another week in the fiscal cliff talks Friday. The president refuses to consider spending cuts while Republicans refuse to raise taxes. Ten percent of Americans polled are rooting for a settlement as the politicians approach the cliff, while ninety percent are rooting for gravity and a low tide.
Hyde Park on Hudson stars Bill Murray as Franklin D. Roosevelt when he seduced his cousin to be his third mistress just before the war. He also slept with two secretaries. To get away with all this, he had to tell his wife he was out late every night defeating Hitler.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.11.12

Leave a Comment