Argus 12.7.12

Argus 12.7.12

Posted: Friday, December 7, 2012 9:05 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
CBS drew huge ratings for its annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on Tuesday. The show has become a yuletide tradition in New York City. When people said that global warming was a problem they didn’t realize that it’d mean more exposed skin in December.
Hugh Hefner announced Tuesday that he and his former fiancée Krystal Harris have made up after last year’s break-up and they will get married at the Playboy Mansion next week. He’s 86 and she’s 26. They plan to have an open-casket wedding.
Kate Middleton’s pregnancy rushed Parliament into proposing a bill Monday that makes the first-born next in line whether it’s a boy or a girl. They’d said it was already law but no one had introduced the bill. This is a new low, men are now lying to women in utero.
NBC issued a statement Tuesday clarifying Bob Costas’ halftime editorial against gun ownership Sunday. The network said he’s not opposed to gun ownership. NBC urged viewers to look forward to Bob’s editorial next Sunday, revealing why the South was right.
President Obama enjoyed playing 18 holes of golf with Bill Clinton on Monday in Maryland. It was his election advice that saved Obama’s re-election. The strategy to hold the minority voters and reach out for women has Bill Clinton’s fingerprints all over it.
Mitt Romney went back to work accepting a job to serve on the board of directors at Marriott Hotels this past week. The former presidential candidate was also spotted out shopping at Costco in San Diego. The cashier told reporters he bought three dozen Costco’s.
North Korea announced plans to test-fire a long-range nuclear missile that can reach the West Coast. Their past efforts all ended in failure. They also built a nuclear bomb that can fit into a suitcsase and be smuggled into this country but the airlines keep losing it.
President Obama balked at environmentalists urging him to bypass Congress and to impose emission standards on coal-powered plants. He knows better. You can’t lecture Americans about global warming the same week you play golf in your shorts in December.
Washington, D.C., traffic congestion lessened Tuesday as toll lanes opened on freeways entering the city. Now people with money to spare don’t have to sit in traffic. What hypocrisy, if the Democrats were really for the common man, they’d sit in traffic with them.
President Obama nixed a budget deal offered by Speaker Boehner Tuesday. He said the GOP offer doesn’t raise taxes, it just closes loopholes. President Obama doesn’t want to close any of the tunnels that smugglers are using to bring his voters into the country.
California’s teachers union produced a cartoon for schoolchildren to watch Monday saying that America’s problems are caused by selfish, greedy rich people. Teachers are training future voters to support higher taxes. The warm weather in the nation’s mid-section since the election is caused by the backdraft from all the money flowing to the Caribbean from Los Angeles.
Egypt’s president Mohammed Morsi returned to the palace Wednesday a day after he fled through the back door as protesters stormed the front gate. That was close. He was receiving protection from the U.S. State Department, so he was smart to run for his life.
Hillary Clinton expressed concern Monday that Syria may use chemical weapons. The Russians are docked at Syria’s port, Turkish missile are placed to the north, al-Qaeda is invading from the south and U.S. and British spies are slipping in from Iraq. The only thing missing to blow up the world is an archduke riding through Sarajevo in an open car.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.7.12

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