Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, December 6, 2012 9:21 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince William confirmed reports his wife Kate Middleton is pregnant, possibly with twins, Monday. It’s so exciting. One twin will be the future king or queen of England while the other will be the spokesperson for the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau.
Mitt Romney agreed to join the board of directors of the Marriott Hotels, which will pay him sixty grand a year plus stock for attending a couple of meeting a year. It’s a little late. Mitt needed to know what it was like to be in the middle class before he ran for president.
Lindsay Lohan said Monday she doesn’t need rehab, insisting that she’s got no problem with alcohol. She won’t have much of a choice. Her agent just called and told her that Hallmark loved her portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor so much they want her to play Betty Ford.
Vogue editor Anna Wintour was floated Monday for U.S. Ambassador to Britain. What a trailblazer. She could be the first person ever to spend four years raising money for a presidential candidate just so her magazine could get the first photos of a royal baby.
Congressman Joe Kennedy III married Lauren Birchfield on Saturday in a ceremony performed by the bride’s father. He’s minister of Houston’s First Presbyterian Church. Presbyterians live by a strict moral code and you know how the Kennedys love a challenge.
Dick Cheney announced he’s collaborating with his cardiologist and his daughter Liz Cheney to write a book about his heart troubles. He’s got a gun, a dog and heart trouble. He’s not only got a book deal, he’s been booked for two consecutive weekends in Branson.
Fox News chief Roger Ailes reportedly tried to recruit General David Petraeus to run for president last year. It failed. Petraeus agreed to run for president only if Fox News would give Paula Broadwell a job as a news reader, but she’s a brunette so the deal was off.
George W. Bush gave a speech Tuesday urging the GOP to be more inclusive to illegal immigrants. it appears that illegal immigrants have replaced the Jews as God’s Chosen People. About every ten minutes, someone drives by Home Depot and chooses one of them.
U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz accused Republicans Monday of trying to make it a crime to be an illegal alien. Democrats see a conspiracy plot. First Republicans want to say that illegal aliens are illegal, next they’re going to want to take away their voting rights.
President Obama and John Boehner remained at loggerheads over budget proposals Tuesday. What a choice. The Democratic plan allows us to keep partying until the sheriff bangs on the front door while the Republican plan burns us down for the insurance money.
The EPA said it won’t do business with BP due to its sloppy work cleaning up the gulf oil spill. Not everyone’s unhappy about the oil spill. Some Baby Boomers tried the shrimp last night at a restaurant in Gulfport, and they no longer creak when they get out of the car.
Congress was urged by police chiefs Tuesday to require wireless providers to store all text messages for two years in case they’re needed for criminal probes. There are pros and cons. The trouble is, retrieving text messages starts out as a great way to catch drug dealers, but then it starts catching cheating spouses and that unsettles the real estate market.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.6.12

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