Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Buckingham Palace reported Kate Middleton is pregnant Monday after she checked into the hospital with morning sickness. The paparazzi are scrambling. The sonogram alone could command the most money for a baby since the Yankees signed Alex Rodriguez.
Journal Psychology released a study Monday showing that the prime determinant in attracting a successful relationship is the sensae of smell. There’s no question that it is true. This is why the maternity leave policy at Cinnabon is about to break the company.
Notre Dame and Alabama ended atop the BCS standings Sunday and will play for the national championship. Everyone’s been frustrated by the BCS comptuter’s mysterious logic. Next year they’re going to a more reliable system of chicken entrails and tarot cards.
Bob Costas on the air Sunday blamed the Kansas City Chiefs’ murder-suicide tragedy on handgun rights. It’s not his first time misplacing blame for a tragedy. When he was covering for O.J. Simpson he called for a ban on waiters returning sunglasses in Los Angeles.
U.S. Open tennis ref Lois Goodman was cleared of murdering her husband with a coffee mug in a Los Angeles court on Friday. It turns out he fell down the stairs. NBC’s Bob Costas took back his call for a ban on coffee mugs and he declared that home elevators are a civil right.
The Vatican announced Monday Pope Benedict opened his own Twitter account. His decision to begin tweeting was met with trepidation. It’s really unbecoming of a pope to get involved in a contest to see who can make the snarkiest comment about Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for assault in New York Thursday and cited in Los Angeles for lying to cops about a car wreck. It was her nineteenth arrest. The Getty Museum told Lindsay that in order to do an exhibition of her mugshots they need at least twenty of them.
Southern California was walloped by three rainstorms last weekend that soaked Los Angeles. It changed nobody’s routine. There were three hundred car accidents in Los Angeles Friday, most of them caused by drivers who were texting while hydro-planing.
The Port of Long Beach got shut down by the striking clerical workers’ union this past weekend. The strike is choking off imports and shelves could be empty well before Christmas. Fortunately the Mayans are selling their high-end electronics at must-sell prices.
NASA reported it has received applications from over four hundred people who have volunteered for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize the planet. What a bad idea. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people who would volunteer to do it.
Barack Obama went on Twitter Monday to push his proposal that Congress transfer its power to raise the debt ceiling to him. He’s so competitive. Hugo Chavez bet him a thousand dollars he couldn’t seize absolute power in a hundred and forty characters or less.
Investors Daily quoted Michelle Obama telling tourists Monday there are fifty-four Christmas trees in the White House. No president’s ever had fifty-four trees in the house. President Obama insisted on having one Christmas tree for each state in the Union.
NBC News quoted a White House aide who saw the film Lincoln and said that today’s Republicans would support slavery. That’s awful. Nobody’s been in favor of slavery ever since the Democrats opened up the southern border and freed the illegal immigrants.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.5.12

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