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Argus 12.4.12

Argus 12.4.12

Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Powerball jackpot reached six hundred million dollars Thursday as the winning numbers were drawn from the hopper. Lotto fever gripped the nation. A convenience store owner in Los Angeles scratched the red dot off his wife’s forehead and won ten grand.
The Vatican set up a toll free phone number Friday for Catholics to call who need an exorcism performed. It’s today’s world. People feel like their minds have been taken by the Devil when really it’s just a lot of Black Friday advertising and good casino marketing.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for slugging a woman in a New York bar Thursday and charged in L.A. with lying about her Malibu car wreck. She’s making all the right choices. Twenty years from now Lindsay will have stories when all her friends have are homes and families.
The U.N. voted overwhelmingly to recognize Palestine as a state Thursday against the objections of the U.S. and the Israeli delegates in the General Assembly. One thing will remain the same. The weather forecast in Tel Aviv today is cloudy with a chance of rockets.
Syria’s civil war kept raging Friday as rebel forces neared Damascus and cut off the main road between the nation’s largest airport and the capital. The country lost both its Internet access and its telephone service. People are being forced to have sex in person.
China’s incoming president Xi Jinping addressed the Politburo and urged them to be vigilant Friday. He takes office in January. President Obama thought about buying him a gift for his inauguration but it’s a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money.
Playboy released a survey Friday showing that men spend twice as much money for Christmas on their mistresses as they do on their wives. It evens out. The same survey says men spend half of their income on their wives once they find out about the mistresses.
The Weather Channel reported winter storms battered California all weekend with massive amounts of rainfall, high surf, and flooding. The whole state is soaked. We’ve gotten so much water in Los Angeles that illegal immigrants are literally arriving in waves.
President Obama proposed granting himself Congress’s power to raise the debt limit Friday and doubling tax hikes on the rich. One result of this is predictable. The busiest travel day of the year is going to be April fifteenth, for both the United States and Australia.
Bill Clinton offered to share a day in his office with donors who help retire Hillary’s seventy-five thousand dollar campaign debt. You can imagine his sense of urgency. Bill Clinton only has six weeks before she steps down to be alone in his office with his fans.
President Obama warned Congress Friday he is keeping a list of who’s naughty and who’s nice in budget negotiations. That’s a mistake. He’ll be sorry he turned himself into Santa Claus when people start calling him for tech support for their new free cell phones.
John McCain was accused by MSNBC of racism for opposing U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice and calling her incompetent. That’s ridiculous. John McCalin named Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate, so he’s willing to meet you halfway on competence.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi got angry at a press conference last week when a reporter asked her if she’s considering retirement now that’s she’s seventy-two years old. You can only imagine her indignation. That’s because her face only registers surprise.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at

Published in The Messenger 12.4.12

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