Posted: Thursday, November 29, 2012 8:00 pm
Dear Annie: A few months ago, I discovered that my wife was having an affair with her boss. She works for a small company that requires long hours and some traveling.
When I confronted her, she didn’t deny it. When I asked her why, she said it was all the long hours, traveling and a little drinking that made it happen. She took full responsibility. She claims she doesn’t love him, it was a mistake and it will never happen again.
I confronted her boss, who is also married with grown kids and grandchildren. He, too, said it was a mistake and that in his 30 years in business, nothing like that had ever happened before. He said he loves his wife and family and feels terrible, and acknowledged that sleeping with an employee is unethical and immoral. He insisted he would do everything he could to rebuild my trust.
I chose to forgive both of them, but for months now I have not been able to enjoy my life. My wife continues to work for this company, and all the conditions that existed before are still there. My wife doesn’t understand why I am so suspicious or why I don’t want her to travel with him. They both reassure me that nothing is going on, but it’s hard to believe. They are constantly on the phone, sending emails or texting. She insists it is all work related, but all of her electronic devices have codes, and she refuses to let me see anything.
Am I being played for a fool? I’ve been in therapy and will continue. While it’s helping me deal with my feelings and moods, the therapist can’t tell me whether or not to stay with my wife. What do you think? — Need Some Help, Please
Dear Need: Ideally, your wife would quit her job or at least refuse to travel with this man. But if the job is a necessity, she needs to be completely transparent in all dealings with her boss. You should be able to look at her text messages and emails and even listen to her phone conversations. If she insists on keeping things from you, it means she has something to hide. Sorry.
Dear Annie: I am asexual, which means I am not interested in sex and am not sexually attracted to men or women.
I am tired of having to explain myself to everyone, tired of people judging me and tired of defending myself. Why does everyone feel the need to tell me it’s “just a phase,” or that I am “only trying to be different”? I am 22, and I know who I am. Why can’t people accept me? — Tired in Maine
Dear Tired: You really aren’t required to discuss your sexual preferences or feelings with anyone. These things are personal and don’t require justification. Please contact the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org for support and assistance.
Dear Annie: May I say a few things to “Unhappy Grandmother,” whose son died two months ago and her daughter-in-law is already dating?
The loss of a child is very different from that of a spouse. Many people get involved in relationships right away, and some remarry within a year. For some widows and widowers, it is a need not to be alone. Others marry again because they want to recapture the happiness they felt. Some might remarry because a child has so much grief that they want to fill that space and help the child heal.
I lost my husband when our son was 3 years old and started dating six months later. Please don’t allow your grief to get in the way of your daughter-in-law’s happiness or ruin your relationship with her. She means no disrespect to your son. Her love for him will always be there. Consider it an honor that she is trying to find someone as special as he was. — Been Down that Road Myself
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.29.12