Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, November 28, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Jets fans began beating the drums for Tim Tebow to be named the team’s starting quarterback for the rest of the season. He had to miss the last game when he suffered two fractured ribs. Doctors are calling it two unsuccessful attempts to create Eve.
Halle Berry’s former boyfriend showed up on her Hollywood driveway on Thanksgiving and got into a violent fistfight with her new boyfriend. The entertainment was over in half an hour. Court TV couldn’t get there fast enough to pay one of them to kill the other.
Alabama petitioner Derrick Belcher turned in 25,000 signatures for U.S. secession. He’s mad because his topless car wash was shut down due to local obscenity laws. It turns out that California’s biggest export is people with a great idea for a new business.
The White House Council on Economic Advisors predicted an uptick in employment across the U.S. this month. They predicted several hundred thousand new jobs will be created. The bad news is, most of those new jobs will require a beard, a red suit and a sack.
Governor Jerry Brown signed a law legalizing driverless cars on state roads once it’s technically feasible. Automakers responded quickly. The next day Toyota designed a car that is so advanced that when it is recalled, it can drive itself back to the Toyota dealership.
Healthy Living reports U.S. airlines are serving healthier foods on domestic flights this year. It’s the menu. Last year airlines refused to serve steak and potato dinners, candy or cookies to passengers while this year they refuse to serve vegetables, fruits and granola.
Bill Clinton was reportedly under consideration Monday to be named U.S. Ambassador to Ireland for the administration. The timing is perfect. Hillary Clinton is about to retire from her globe-trotting job as Secretary of State, and their deal was, separate hemispheres.
The Josephson Ethics Institutes released a survey Monday which said the number of high school students who cheat dropped. They say the top reason is fitter teachers. Los Angeles high school kids will no longer sleep with teachers who start to let themselves go.
President Obama shopped at a bookstore Saturday to help support Small Business Saturday. He bought 15 books. His tax policies and his health care law have been so brutal on small businesses the only way they can survive is if he shops there personally.
The White House received the Christmas tree Saturday by a horse-drawn carriage from Virginia. Everyone in Washington is getting in the holiday mood. Senate members agreed to hold a secret gift exchange this year with a ten-dollar limit on spending, but after one trip to the mall they voted to raise the spending limit to $14 trillion.
The London Mail unearthed old classified U.S. documents showing President Dwight D. Eisenhower considered firing a rocket and hitting the moon with an atomic bomb during the Cold War. The idea was to intimidate the Russians. The plan was inspired by a hand-written letter that the president received from a sixth-grader named Dick Cheney.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.28.12

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