Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, November 20, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL said pot would remain a banned substance for its players despite the change in some state laws. It’s tricky. There are reports that since Colorado voted to legalize marijuana, Denver is going to change the name of Invesco Field back to Mile High Stadium.
German researchers said the nasal decongestant spray Oxytocin releases a hormone in men that makes them faithful to their wives. The precedure is simple. To keep a man faithful you spray Oxytocin up his nose, but it only works on generals if you use a firehose.
General David Petraeus’s biography All In, covering his military career and written by mistress Paula Broadwell, was rushed into paperback Friday. He has served in every part of the world and he never received a scratch. What is this power he has over women?
General David Petraeus testified before Congress on Friday. His life blew up after he flirted with a dinner guest in front of his mistress while his wife was looking the other way. House Members took notes as if their lives depended on it as he diagrammed the play.
General Petraeus was grilled in the House Friday as his story changed about his CIA reports to the White House. He seemed undone by the intensity of the interrogation. It was a stroke of genius by the House committee to allow his wife to begin the questioning.
General Petraeus groupie Jill Kelley lost her base visitation pass after she had cyber sex with Afghan commander John Allen. She gets around. The records show that only the Harlem Globetrotters have had more success with the Washington Generals than Jill Kelley.
The White House website received petitions of secession after Obama’s re-election last week. Self-deportation isn’t happening. President Obama was elected president two weeks ago and so far Hillary Clinton is the only American who has moved to Australia.
Denny’s in Miami added five percent to each diner’s bill to pay for Obama Care. They hate government spending. One look at Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast and you realize no restaurant has prevented more people from getting old enough to collect Social Security.
A State Farm study said two-thirds of drivers under thirty still text and surf the web while they drive. Alcohol causes them fewer crashes. Watch for a new TV ad campaign asking young people to make sure that each car has a designated drinker behind the wheel.
The Republican Gover-nors Association met in Las Vegas over the weekend to survey the election damage and plot strategy. The town is reeling from the recession. The cannons go off in front of Treasure Island whenever someone qualifies for a home loan.
Facebook teamed with the Department of Labor to post available jobs Tuesday. Now young people can use Facebook to get a job before they post party photos on Facebook that will cost them the job. It’s how Facebook teaches young people the cycle of forest fires.
Mitt Romney caused a storm Tuesday when he said Barack Obama won re-election because the president doled out gifts to Democratic interest groups. Kids got student loan forgiveness, women got free birth control. However, urban voters may feel a bit deceived when they hear that Black Friday does not commemorate civil rights in America.
Hostess Bakery plants shut down Friday due to a workers’ strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.20.12

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