Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, November 19, 2012 7:00 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Madonna performed a strip tease at her New York concert Monday to raise cash for local Hurricane Sandy victims. She’s one of a kind. In a backstage interview Madonna disclosed she was once abducted by aliens, and it was a mistake the aliens made just once.
Hostess workers went on strike on Thursday, risking the nation’s supply of Twinkies and Cupcakes and Ding-Dongs. Their negotiation position is strong. Three states just legalized marijuana and Hostess emplyees just realized that the world is turning their way.
BP paid four billion dollars to the U.S. to settle charges from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill two years ago. A poll shows eighty percent of Gulf residents think BP did a good job of cleaning up the spill. Of course, the same poll found that eighty percent of Gulf residents hate pelicans.
The New York Jets locker room imploded Thursday over all the attention Tim Tebow gets in the media. It’s wrong to resent him and he’s a great sport. Last year at training camp Tim Tebow ate an entire cake before everyone told him there was a stripper inside it.
General David Petraeus’s biography by Paula Broadwell soared on the bestseller lists Friday. Their affair cast suspicions on all biographers and their subjects. Doris Kearns Goodwin went on five talk shows Friday to deny that she’s been sleeping with Abe Lincoln.
Congress grilled the CIA and Pentagon over its cover story on the U.S. Consulate attack in Libya and its link to two generals in adulterous affairs. The hearings uncovered one valuable bit of military intelligence. If you want to keep something secret, don’t use G-mail.
Paula Broadwell’s biography of General Petraeus and his victory in Iraq was rushed into paperback Friday. She displays a deft touch. Somehow you knew that the war in Iraq was never going to wind up with a happy ending until the right masseusse came along.
The Postal Service asked Congress Thursday for authority to close post offices more easily. They also want to end Saturday mail delivery, The Postal Service said last year it lost sixteen billion dollars, making it the most profitable department in the U.S. government.
Israel moved Israeli troops to the Gaza border Friday in response to a rocket attack by Hamas. The Hamas military commander was killed by a drone as he sat in his car on the side of the road. It’s yet another reminder never to let your AAA membership lapse.
The Pentagon penalized the women in General Petraeus’s sex scandal Friday. They canceled Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley’s security clearance and base visitation rights. As for the generals, they’ve been taken off the Queen’s List and placed on Craigslist.
President Obama supporters sent petitions to the White House website calling for any Americans advocating secession to be deported. Where will they go? What country on earth is going to take a bunch of rich, loud-mouthed white people who know their rights?
President Obama issued a proclamation declaring Thursday to be America Recycles Day, urging Americans to recycle paper, cans, and bottles. In honor of America Recycles Day he blamed Hurricane Sandy, the Benghazi raid, and military adultery on President Bush.
Mitt Romney told donors he lost the election because President Obama doled out money to interest groups. He canceled student loan interest for college kids, he gave birth control to women, and he increased benefits for the poor. Mitt Romney gave out gifts, but telling people they should’ve bought Apple stock ten years ago doesn’t win him any votes.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.19.12