Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, November 14, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama’s re-election last Tuesday prompted petitions to be circulated in states calling for secession from the Union. They’re posted on the White House website. The Secret Service just announced that President Obama has attended his last Ford’s Theater Gala.
Financial Times reported Monday the U.S. is on pace to become the world’s leading oil drilling nation and gas producer in just eight years. It’s amazing. Republicans could have won the election if they had run on bringing all the troops homes and calling it an invasion.
Sesame Street’s voice for Elmo, Kevin Clash, was accused Sunday of sex with a sixteen-year-old-boy. They let him make one phone call. President Obama just spent one billion dollars to win the election and save Big Bird, now he’s got to find a lawyer for Elmo.
The L.A. City Council voted to promote Meatless Mondays as a way to improve people’s heart conditions. They’re trying to nudge L.A. residents into a healthier lifestyle. They’d like to eventually get to Cokeless Fridays but they know they have to start with baby steps.
Lance Armstrong cut his ties with his testicular cancer-fighting charity Live Strong Monday after its chairman asked him to leave over the doping allegations. It’s a worthy cause. Hardly a day goes by that testicular problems aren’t front-page news in Washington.
James Bond’s Skyfall enjoyed a huge U.S. box office last weekend. The world just loves a super-spy who sleeps around. The only reason CIA Director David Petraeus had to resign is because the U.S. is so broke we can’t afford to pay royalties for the Bond character.
CIA Director David Petraeus resigned Friday after e-mails surfaced about his adulterous affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. His e-mails to her recalled them having sex underneath his office desk. Bill Clinton just asked Paula Broadwell to write his life story.
The FBI probe of David Petraeus began when FBI software that scans all government email for corruption flagged him. It’s an honest mistake. The FBI was investigating the CIA Director for getting something under the table, and it turns out it was under the desk.
The FBI probed CIA Director David Petraeus’s affair with Paula Broadwell. They met six years ago at Harvard at the Kennedy School of Government. The school teaches you which kinds of desks you’re least likely to bump your head on when you’re under them.
Mitt and Ann Romney went on TV to thank supporters Wednesday from their Boston hotel suite where gallons of chocolate milk had been set on top of the coffee tables. They looked beyond depressed. Gallons of chocolate milk is how Mormons go on benders.
Mitt Romney’s campaign jumped the gun Tuesday and posted a Mitt Romney Victory website online. It announced that Romney won. It may have been just an embarrassing mistake for Republican voters but Big Bird was terrified that Thanksgiving had come early.
President Obama met with congressional leaders to try to reach a deal to dodge the fiscal cliff. It’s not all bad news. If the Mayan Calendar is right and the world ends four days before Christmas, all the government pensions in America are suddenly fully funded.
Israeli geologists reported Israel is sitting atop a huge deposit of natural gas which can be extracted by fracking. They found it quite by accident. Israel has been complaining about the Palestinians firing rockets at them for thirty years, but eventually they got big enough to strike gas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.14.12

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